The Weird, the Strange and the Swine Flu

Yet, fate had a surprise in store for me, I was paying bills and ended up checking my balance in my checking account.

If I told you that my jaw dropped through the floor it would still be an understatement, it would appear that I had made some rather serious mistakes balancing my checkbook which resulted in having far less money in my bank account then previously thought.

Now, for those of you who don't know, I usually have a television on in the background when I'm working at the computer and this time around was no different.

However, like the proverbial lightening from the blue and very depressing thought had struck me down where I sat.

"What would happen if I were to get sick and couldn't meet some of my deadlines resulting in not getting paid"...

Quickly my mind switched gears again, grinding them like a trucking going up a steep incline and I had the dreadful thought about the amount of unemployment and that I could be minus a job. OK, I'm doing freelance work but nevertheless I have steady work from a few clients and if I were to lose them I'd be seriously screwed.

So it went, the dominoes started to fall in a beautiful yet paranoid pattern and I soon found myself in a cold sweat.

"I have to go get that stupid shot or I'll be truly screwed."

As it was early in the day my first course of action was to call my Doctor's office and see if they could handle this for me. "He's my doctor after all and we've been friends now for a number of years, I'm sure he'll maybe give me an injection from his private stash."

My psyche doing it's damnedest to imitate a career drug addict, what was I thinking, did I really believe that my doctor was really going to have a private stash of Anti-Flu medicine?

In any case, I called up his office and spoke to his receptionist, she told me that she is very sory but there is no possible way that their office can help me. Simply put, they didn't have any and even if they did I'm not a pregnant woman of a small child.

I hung up the phone and I can feel every heartbeat pulsing through my temples, there was no doubt that I was now "fiending" like a hardcore Heroine addict, or at the very least I was feinding in the same way I thought a Heroin addict would. Hollywood certainly painted enough of a picture for me so that I could have this delusional fantasy.

A sudden calm flowed over me when I all the sudden remembered that I could get the flu shot at a local school. Sure I'd probably have to wait maybe half an hour but at least I won't get sick and then I won't lose my clients and then I won't have to move into my car and then I won't have to move out of the car and live under and overpass.

In retrospect I suppose that I had let my imagination run wild and in an entirely wrong direction to boot.

As I said though, I was calm as I knew I could just hop in the car, drive 3 or 4 blocks and I can get my flu shot.

So that's what I did, I got in the car and drove 3 or 4 blocks. I pulled into the school parking lot and as soon as I did I felt my heart pounding in my head again. The line of people standing in line was immense, there are no words in the English language that can adequately describe this line of people.

Ok, I guess I'll be here for a few hours but I'll still get my shot. I park the car and get in line, slowly but surely the line was inching forward and the over 9000 mile trip from my place in line to the open doors of the school clinic was starting to shrink, if ever so slowly.

I had been standing in line for about 45 minutes when a I notice some lady come out through the doors of the school clinic. She calmly walked down the length of the line informing everyone that "If you're not an expecting mother or a child then please go home."

I was distraught, filled with anger and fear, my mind reverting to some primitive reptilian state. All that mattered now was survival, but where and how?

I was at a loss, what was I supposed to do, where can I go next to try and get vaccinated. My Doctor couldn't help, the flu-lady wouldn't help and yet here I was, waiting to take my turn at death's door. I was going to lose everything if I got sick, the job, the house, the car. Well, maybe not the house as I don't own it but nevertheless I would be evicted and I was pretty certain they weren't going to take "But I don't feel well." as an excuse.

I started calling around the various government buildings in town in an attempt that someone could steer me in the right direction somewhere where I could get that shot. Needless to say, the series of receptionists couldn't help me. They either recited the official information of going to the school and wait in line (been there, done that) or to go to my doctor. The fools didn't realize that I had already exhausted those leads and that I was Jonsin so bad for that flu shot that I was almost in withdrawal. Withdrawal from what exactly, I don't know but that's how I imagined the natural progression of things.

So, defeated, I sank into my favorite easy-chair completely resolute as to my fate. It was over for me, I was going to be a statistic. One of those giants upon who's shoulders the future generation was going to stand and reach for the stars.

I was already practicing my eulogy when the phone rang, it completely ruined my train of thought and I'm not sure if that's for better or worse.

The voice on the phone informed me that I had some auto-refill prescriptions that were ready for pickup. Instantly a light-bulb went on in my head. I quickly asked the girl on the phone to hold on for a second as I had a question "Do you guys give flu shots? I asked." Yes sir, we certainly do and no appointment needed.". I was feeling very relieved as I managed perfect timing for she was about to hang the phone up thus cutting off my only possible link to the outside world. I had just stopped her from sealing my fate for had she hung up there would have been no hope of rescue, in a couple of days someone would find my unemployed, dead, diseased corpse lying there on the floor. The phone receiver in a literal death-grip.

There was no time to write a eulogy now, I had to get in the car and rush to the pharmacy and as quickly as I could. Just keep the car 5 miles of the speed limit and run every Yellow traffic light and all will be right in the world.

I made the over 9000 mile trip to the Pharmacy in a little under 40 seconds, haphazardly threw the car into a parking spot and practically ran inside.

There were a couple of people picking up their prescriptions ahead of me. I'm certain that everyone within a 10 foot radius of me could sense my urgency. The air was thick with it.

As I stood there, waiting in line, I kept repeating over and over in my mind "Oh please don't be here for a flu shot, oh please don't be here for a flu shot." My mantra obviously aimed at the people ahead of me. It would be just my luck if they ended up giving the last doses of the flu-drug to one of the people in line ahead of me.

I was so lucky, those two people were just picking up their prescriptions and had no interest in that flu shot. Feeling oh so much better I walked up to the counter and told the girl that I was picking up two prescriptions. She checked on the shelf behind me and as sure as shitaki she found my prescriptions. She rang me up and told me there was no charge, I cracked some sort of joke and then she said those magic words for which I had been waiting.

"Will there be anything else sir?"

Uhm, yes, I'm also here for the flu shot, how do we go about handling this?

"Oh, it's very simply, we take the client behind this curtain and the pharmacist gives a quick injection and that's that."

Wonderful, let's do it then.

"Alright sir, just let us know when your wife brings your children around and we'll get them both taken care of."

I had just lost cabin pressure at the realization of the words she had just uttered, they weren't giving shots to everyone, just children and pregnant women. In order to be certain I flat out asked her about this and she confirmed my worst nightmare.

I drove home, practically in tears.

Then a strange thing happened, I had accepted that I was going to die very soon and somehow this was a very liberating notion. So I turned on the TV and expected nature to take it's course.

It's been two weeks now since I started waiting for my eminent demise and I'm starting to think it's not coming.

Jeez, you can't count on anything in this world, can you.

By: Rob Korczak

www.robertkorczak.com