The Will to Go On

I look around and see the things and people in my life that give me such great joy. I am truly living the peak of my life. I see this period of my life, at home with my children growing up, as my most treasured years. I know that this is the point in my life that I'll long for as an old man.

The depression that I feel, I find, is mostly confined to the early morning hours. When I have to "set" a clock to rise early. I start my morning especially early, when no one else is up, that's my depression peak.

Through these early mornings serve me well as far as getting up and getting the work week done early. I punch my 40 hours by Thursday, leaving Friday as an open day of a three day weekend. Doing the type of volunteer work we do, it's often hard to find the time to cram everything into a normal week. I have found success by "stealing" the edge of the night and beginning my work week early.

This early morning routing has it's dark side as well. The price of stealing sleep from yourself creates a "hard boot" of sorts. Waking up with more sleep...seems like my mind comes "on line" in a more natural order and things fall into place better.But when you get thrust from bed early you are often on your feet and moving as your mind comes "on line".

There's still that terrible point in the morning....every morning. Your memory begins to start up and as you take "inventory" and sense that there are missing pieces. It's this time in the early hours that I re-live death after death. Having lost many loved ones in fairly short period of time is the final stab that drives home the pain of those lost years ago as well. It's not something that talking about will help. But just sharing those early morning hours with someone, or the sunshine itself would give a sense of the renewal of the new day itself.

I rise before the morning, ahead of the sun, long before my family. It's often an hour before I speak to the first human being. It is at that time, that interaction with the living, that things begin to feel normal again. At least death gives some degree of closure. Though the pain never actually goes away, you don't spend a lifetime second guessing the finality. As intense as the depression is for me at times, I am positive it is only a hint of the never-ending Hell endured by the families of the missing. I cannot imagine life on the raw edge of living with a missing loved one, living life more painful than death itself. I admire those that remain alive feeling this loss on a constant basis. Simply the will to remain alive under the extreme circumstance is astonishing.

That is what inspires me to continue to work in the field of providing hope for those people that have endured something that I am sure I would not have the strength to endure. At the end of the day, seeing progress in all of our collective efforts, I am content. I go to bed knowing that convincing myself that all is well the next morning is worth the effort. Funny how at some points one can view their life as a tragedy, and after careful study, they see in reality that it is an amazing gift. The families, the victims, and those of you who work hard to find closure for complete strangers, gives me the will to go on.