The Will to Just Live

You know this has been frankly the week from hell for me, and two weeks ago I learned that the cancer I have been fighting for over a year is back and has spread and they don't know if they can stop it frankly.

Initially I told my wife please just let me go I just can't go through this hell again, and I remember thinking I'm not going to go out laying in some damn hospital bed sick as a dog; I'm going to go out on my terms. Truthfully the thought actually was in my head that I needed to kill myself and get it over with; now was I suffering a manic episode to bring this on? Nope I was thinking perfectly clearly frankly.

I think it is a thought process every person goes through in life when they're faced with the unknown; I think we all at one point or another begin to look for the easy way out frankly. Nobody wants to suffer; nobody wants to be a burden on their loved ones, but sometimes we're so worried about being a burden that we forget the burden they suffer for the rest of their lives wondering "what if I did this or what if I did that would he still be alive".

Last week I was so angry at God I told my wife he can go to hell I will never set foot in that church again to worship him, and tomorrow I promise you I will be there bright and early for confession to apologize to him. You know in my older years I have become a relatively spiritual person and it always goes through my mind; have I done enough things right in my life to off set the bad things I have done in my life? Am I going to go to heaven of hell? I know they say that if you confess your sins and seek forgiveness that your sins will be forgiven, but you know you just never know if maybe you missed one or two and Saint Peter slams the damn gate right in your face.

You know it's funny that I am in a relatively good mood about the whole situation frankly; I have cried a million tears this week and I'm all cried out; I just don't have anymore Kleenex left in the box to cry anymore. You know a friend of mine once told me in a letter that "I will face this like I always have straight on", and he is right. I always will remember his spirit to live and his determination to fight to live, and I remember thinking to myself today how dare I cry about this when there are people suffering in this world far more then me.

If God wants me to go he will take me; if God wants me to live he will allow me to live. Life is not our own choice I have to believe that; now I am a firm believer that you certainly can advance your demise by being stupid and messing up God's master plan, but you know that's all right to I guess.

Well back to my young friend; he has taught me so much about courage this past year and a half; he has taught me so much about drive and determination this last year. I remember looking at him and just being so proud of him for nothing more then being him and just wanting to live and have a chance at happiness.

So needless to say while I was sitting at home this afternoon watching my daily dose of Judge Judy and waiting on somebody just to come home because I was so bored I thought to myself life could be worse; hell I don't know how frankly, but it could be worst. I guess I could have birds pick my eyes out or something as I lay there waiting to die; I think that would probably be worse.

Anyway I came to a decision this afternoon frankly; I'm going to fight it. I'm going to follow in the foot steps of my former friend and "never will I give up" till my last breath I will not give up, so Monday I go back for my forth round of chemo treatment for another six weeks and I'll be sick as a dog with that, and then I get to go for a nice dose of radiation every two weeks as the topping on the cake. Hell its got to be better then Judge Judy; I think I'm into repeats on her. I haven't quite digressed to Days of Our Lives yet, but I actually sat down for a minute and started to watch it the other day and I caught myself and said what in the hell are you doing? so I quickly got up and went out in the yard to make sure the grass hadn't grown more then an inch since I measured it earlier in the morning.

You know it's sad in all my life I have never mowed my own yard; I guess it goes back to my younger days growing up with the anti-Christ in human form they called my father. Can you believe this fool would have me out there mowing that damn lawn every three or four days, but no you couldn't just mow the lawn; oh no with him you had to mow it in different directions each time because you don't want the grass to get use to growing the same way. Have you ever in your life heard such a bigger bunch of crap? Oh and mowing the lawn was a "process" with him, first you walk the lawn to pick up any dog droppings, then you had to walk the yard to dig out any weeds, then you had to do a through inspection to make sure there was nothing in the yard that might damage his damn Toro lawnmower. He was so proud of it so I use to think to myself why the hell don't you crank it up and actually push it a few laps once and awhile.

I swear it use to remind me of Tim "the tool man" Taylor because all the guys in the neighborhood would all gather around if somebody got a new mower or something just to inspect it. So needless to say I am not a fan of mowing grass so I got me a riding lawnmower and that thing does 0 to 60 in about 3.5 seconds. I'm circling that yard so fast I think I'm on the third curve at Daytona; I actually had a cop stop me for speeding in my yard, I'm kidding.

Well anyway getting back to my point I have lived through holy hell before so anything can't be that bad, and whether I ultimately win or lose this battle, it will be a battle that I will fight and a battle I will "never give up" in.