The Wit, Wisdom and Antics of My Older Son

My older son, whom I shall call Lee, started talking at an early age, and he has been doing a very good job of it ever since. He was also very precocious. Here are some highlights of his wit, wisdom and antics from the early years (Ages three through six):

Phonetics:

In 1985, President Reagan visited Bitburg Cemetery in Germany. This caused a big controversy, because some members of the notorious Nazi S.S. were buried there. Reagan went ahead with it anyway, saying he didn't want to break a promise he had made to Chancellor Helmut Kohl. On a Sunday morning, Lee and I were watching a live telecast of Reagan's visit. After several mentions of "Bitburg", Lee turned to me and said "Bitburg. He's on Sesame Street!" (Read: "Big Bird")

The President, Not the cat.

One day Lee and I were discussing President Lincoln, and he decided to test my knowledge about the presidents who came after Lincoln. The exchange went as follows: "After Lincoln?" "Johnson." "After Johnson?" "Grant." "After Grant?" "Hayes." All this rapid-fire. And then, finally, "After Hayes?" "Garfield." At which point Lee laughed and exclaimed, "Garfield! He's on television."

Non-Verbal Communication:

During one Christmas holiday, we (Lee, my wife and I) visited my mother and stepfather in Berkeley, California. My stepfather was (and still is!) a retired physicist. My mother gave a party and invited several Nobel laureates, including Emilio Segre. As he approached the door, accompanied by his much younger wife, he came across to me as a sweet old man. Nevertheless, Lee, without any warning, made a right jab to his groin. Segre winced and said "He has a very good aim."

The Comeback Kid.

One of our next-door neighbors at the time was a middle-aged couple with grown children. We were at their house one day, and Lee saw a laundry chute for the first time. When he asked the lady of the house what it was for, she responded "To put bad little boys down", to which Lee shot back "And old ladies too!" We admonished him for being so impolite, but in reality she had asked for it.

News at Seven.

My younger son, whom I shall call Max, was born prematurely by emergency C-Section. At the end of that day, I took Lee out to eat. (A friend had looked after him for most of the day.) We went to a nearby cafeteria, and as we stood in line, Lee decided to give the woman to his right a blow-by-blow description of the day's events. After a few minutes of this, she gave me a horrified look and asked "They're all right aren't they?" I assured her that they were.

Flipping the Switch.

After Max came home from the hospital, he was put on a monitor at night for precautionary reasons. The hospital staff assured us that the device was child-proof, that no child, in particular Lee, who was not yet six at the time, would be able to figure out how to manipulate it. In one week flat, Lee had figured out how to turn the device on, and off.