The Women's Guide to Christmas Gift Buying for Men

I know that, as Christmas approaches, many of you are agonizing over what to buy your spouse, or significant other. You are looking for that perfect gift that reflects the long hours that you have devoted to the problem. You are seeking the present that says, "No, I love you more!" You are probably thinking of expensive clothing that you think he would look good in, or something in the nature of bath accessories from the Body Shoppe or even, God Forbid, cologne. You are so wrong.

Let me offer the following guidance. Toys. Or beer. Or, if you really love the guy, toys and beer.

Let us start by examining toys.

Toys come in two varieties. The first is any toy involving a remote control. Remote control boats and planes are good, as are remote control cars and trucks. For purists, the remote control helicopter is the best, because they have been deemed nearly impossible to fly. The possibilities for a true guy are nearly endless with this toy, especially if combined with the second gift: beer.

Of course, other toys also come with remote controls. Televisions, for example. It is no longer sufficient to buy a television that has an impossibly complicated remote control. The set that you buy must also incorporate impossible-to-use functions, such as picture-in-picture (to enhance the surfing experience) and captioning.

The captioning function, when combined with beer, will allow any guy to spend endless hours watching foreign programming with English sub-titles. He will, with enough beer, move to English programming with foreign sub-titles. By the end of the evening he will be blissfully watching Mandarin programming with Spanish sub-titles. Really, it never gets old.

The second type of toy that you will want to consider is the totally useless, cheap mindless toy that captures a juvenile imagination. Battery operated Latte frothers spring to mind. Not only can they produce foam on latte, but they work remarkably well on chocolate milk, cereal with milk and, of course, beer. The Rotato potato peeler, and many other products produced by Starfrit and Ronco fit nicely into this category.

These toys are cheap, entertaining and tell your mate how much you care, especially if you don't get angry if they are never used, even once, for their intended purpose.

Having dealt with toys, let us now move on to beer. Beer makes an excellent gift, provided you steer clear of pedestrian domestic beers or, even, the more commonplace imports. To be sure, a flat of Lucky Lager sends a positive message, and gives your loved one some bragging rights. "Wow, my girlfriend bought me a flat of Lucky, and I sat up all night watching the Die Hard movies (Christmas Classics, all) in Mandarin with Spanish sub-titles!"

There was a time, when the stubby abounded, when any long-necked bottle, such as Corona or Lone Star, would fit the bill, but not anymore. No, you must now search out exotic beers that his friends have never heard of. It doesn't really matter if they taste like crap, only that they are obscure. Contemplate the Armenian Kotayk Lager, or the Belgian Achouffe La Chouffe. Perhaps the Croation Karlovacko Pivo or Russian Stary Melnik might fit the bill. For the less adventurous, there is always Kenyan Tusker or that old favorite, Jamaican Red Stripe. Trust me when I tell you that an Austrian Stegl Goldbrau will light up his face on Christmas morning, especially if it is presented as a breakfast beer.

You are probably thinking it is inappropriate to give beer and power tools as part of a "Christmas Gift Package" due to safety concerns.

You would be wrong. You must understand that guys can and will hurt themselves with power tools, because they are idiots. Beer has nothing to do with it. Notwithstanding the safety issues, you must never buy power tools for your significant other. I know, it seems counter intuitive, but it's true.

I implore you to read this carefully. Your guy will not, ever, in a million years, use the power tool that you buy him. Why? Because you won't buy the right one, and he won't have the heart to tell you, or to return it for the one he wants.

You see, when he tells you that he wants some tool that you have never heard of (and which, incidentally he has barely heard of and has never used) you will make two assumptions. The first, quite accurately, is that he will never use it. The second is that since he will never use it, you might as well buy the cheapest one you can find. He will be elated when he opens it but will quickly realize that it doesn't have laser guided targeting, or only has a three speed transmission or, worse, isn't even made by Hilte or DeWalt, and he will hide it in the garage until he has an opportunity to break it or lose it, and replace it with the tool that he A) wanted in the first place and B) will still never use.

Don't judge him too harshly. It is really no different that stuffing that slutty lace teddy he gave you in the drawer you never open until you can wash it on "destruct" and dry it on "incinerate" despite the stern warning only to hand-wash it in lukewarm water.

I hope this guide has helped you in your gift-giving deliberations.