The World of Sports According to Charlie Sheen

Okay, I had to get the disclaimer out of the way first, you know, just in case something came out of it or this post happened across the eyes of someone who would make an issue of it. Then again, there is no shortage of Sheen parodies out there right now, so why can't I get mine in there too?!

Anyway, I needed to get a break from the editorial rants I usually roll out and throw in some humor. So with that in mind, I present...

The World of Sports, According to Charlie Sheen

Me: "Good evening Mr. Sheen, how are feeling today?"

Charlie Sheen: "Duh...Winning!"

Me: "Well that's splendid sir, I'm glad you're...ummm...winning!"

Charlie: "Scoreboard doesn't lie."

Me: "Since I know you're such a great sports fan, let's get started."

Charlie: "You can't process me with a normal brain."

Me: "Fair enough. With that in mind, what do you think about the rash of DUI's in baseball lately?"

Charlie: "It's like, hey, dude, you should have read the instructions before you showed up at the party."

Me: "My thoughts exactly. You need to know when to say when right?"

Charlie: "No, that's for amateurs. Come on!"

Me: "Let's move on to Tiger Woods, shall we?"

Charlie: "I got tiger blood."

Me: "That's a bit graphic, but okay. Anyway, what do you make of his losing streak and do you think Woods will ever find his way back?"

Charlie: "There's a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins."

Me: "That's true, his competition has really stepped up and taken advantage. What would you do if you were him?"

Charlie: "I'm so tired of pretending that my life isn't perfect and bitching and just winning every second and I'm not perfect and bitching."

Me: "That's a great analogy Mr. Sheen, it really is about attitude with Woods now isn't it?"

Charlie: "You can't process me with a normal brain."

Me: "Alright, I'll try to take your quotes for face value. Out of curiousity, how do you compare your situation to the one Woods endured a year ago?"

Charlie: "The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children."

Me: "How do you feel about BYU dismissing sophomore Brandon Davies for breaking team rules and having sex?"

Charlie: "I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren't special. People who don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."

Me: That's true. Colleges need to worry about the kids that are stealing things, or cheating to get grades, not some kid who is an adult engaging in an adult activity."

Charlie: "To quote the great Allen Iverson, 'Practice. Come on guys, we're talking about practice."

Me: "Hmm, I never thought about it that way. In closing, I was just curious about your thoughts in regards to LeBron James and how he managed the move from your beloved Cleveland?"

Charlie: "I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."

Me: "Outstanding, well I want to thank you for your time and I wish you the best of luck in your current war with CBS."

"Charlie: "If you're part of my family, I will love you violently."

Me: "Umm...thank you."