The World Wide Spider's Web

The World Wide Web is crawling with spiders, ugly, two-legged, cold-blooded commenters with brains the size of BBs in a toy gun. The gray matter of these creepy-crawly humanoids is hardwired for instinctual brutality. As bipedal soul suckers, arachnoids are ready and waiting to pounce on any and all unsuspecting Web bugs that provoke their beady-eyed cross hairs. Nine times out of ten their favorite target is the succulent Internet insect known as the common cyberspace celebrity.

The evolution of the Net's wild and hairy arthromob is a case study in the catastrophic rise of prowling and predatory browbeaters riding roughshod in America, documented in the bursting spider's nest of unprecedented fear and fury dripping from the chelicerae of millions of poisonous yet powerless middle-class mutations.

As the chilling posters of so many horror films have warned us... they're here.

But is the arachnoid here to stay? Can anything be done to stop the dangerous overpopulation of these 21^st century pests? Are the world's celebrities, the famous and infamous folks who trigger the instinctual attack response in arachnoid's pea-sized cerebellum, doomed to be devoured by these brainless bugs forever?

I'm afraid the answer is YES.

Welcome to the age of the global village Fang Bang, where Joe Six Pack, Jane and John Doe, and the rest of America's plain, average, and ordinary arachnizens are free to take pernicious pot shots at any and all prey who oppose their way of thinking. The name of the Fang Bang game is kill or be killed. Their battle cry is no mercy and take no prisoners!

Evidence of Fang Banging spans all continents, but in no country is it more evident, more ferocious or merciless, than the Sweet Land of Liberty. Americans represent the supreme order of spiders and spiderlings. On any given day, America's virtual community is a bloody battlefield of venomous and belligerent spider biting directed at an endless supply of juicy and famously highflying celebs buzzing and darting unprotected across the precarious networks of the W3.

Get in their way, try to talk some sense into them, and they quickly pounce upon their next victim with the pitiless killer instinct of a tarantula defending its den from an egg-laying wasp. In nature, only one creature wins this fight to the death. And in the world of virtual reality fang bangers lose every time.

To help surfers spot the average, run-of-the-mill arachnoid, here are the Top 10 buzz words that identify their nasty nibbles:

1. idiot
2. jerk
3. loser
4. bitch
5. ho
6. jackass
7. dumbass
8. wannabe
9. freak
10. @#$%

When confronted with any signs of arachnoids and arachnizens of the arthromob, the best thing to do is acknowledge their actual nonexistence. In most cases, pretending they don't exist is the ultimate weapon against their harsh, inhuman assaults. This strategy not only gives peaceful and intelligent Internet users the serenity that comes from ignoring their spidery threats, but also provides us with the wisdom to happily let the beastly little buggers crawl mindlessly along their creepy way.