The World's Newest Cynic

"The world is full of cynics," she said. "Why add one more to the mix?"

"Because a little bit of cynicism is good," he said, lining up his pencil with the edge of the desk. "It keeps the gears from turning too smoothly. Things run to smoothly, you don't notice when they're about to shake apart."

"That doesn't even make any sense," she said. "A machine that would run smoothly would be less likely to wear out and shake apart in any way. That wouldn't work out like you just said."

"I know," he said. "I was just trying to come up with a metaphor on short notice. I'm not too good at that at eight o'clock in the morning."

"But you still haven't answered my questions," she said. "Tell me the truth. Do you think he likes me?"

"Do you mean is he head over heels for you?" he said. "Do you mean is he going to stand under your window at night blasting his boombox in the middle of the pouring rain? Are you asking for the Tom Hanks romantic comedy? Or do you want the full-on Liam Neeson stares-deeply-into-your-eyes-before-he-takes-you kind of Oscar-grabbing romantic drama?"

"The latter," she said. "Or I'll go for the John Cusack thing. Not Tom Hanks, though. He's... just not right."

"You won't get it," he said. "It's never going to happen."

"You really think he doesn't like me like that?"

"Nobody likes you like that. You're never going to get him to act that way, you're never going to get anybody else to act that way, and the only way that anybody will ever get anybody else to act that way is if they write a script, secure financing, and set up cameras, sound, and light. And I recommend you hire Tom Hanks anyway - I hear he's a lot of fun to have on the set. Or you could always go for the Keanu Reeves if you like totem poles."

"Hey. I like Keanu Reeves."

"Then the two of you will get along just fine," he said, rocking back and putting his hands behind his head."

"Why do you have to be so cynical?" she said. "Why do you have to rain on my parade? Why can't you just tell me he loves me?"

"Oh, he might," he said. "I certainly know that at the moment you love him."

"But you just said there was no chance that we could ever have anything."

"No, I said you'd never have the Hollywood story," he said. "There's a difference."

"Yeah, right," she said. "Says the world's newest cynic. What happened to you? You used to be such a hopeless romantic."

"I have redefined romance," he said. "I no longer allow the media to tell me what I should expect from a woman, and I no longer expect to follow the patterns the media has defined for me."

"I imagine this makes you very popular at the singles bars."

"There's love in this world," he continued, with the barest of pauses. "But what is love? Kissing in front of the full moon that just happens to be rising at the height of my date? No."

"Then what is it," she said. "Tell me how I can recognize it."

"It's simple," he said, leaning forward and steepling his fingers in front of his face. "You meet someone. You're attracted. You get it on. Then, when the passion starts to calm down, you find out that you actually kind of enjoy hanging out together. You realize that you make each other happy. Even if the attraction isn't as hot as it once was, the two of you can sit next to each other on the couch and just enjoy being together. And what's so wrong with that kind of definition for love?"

"It makes for boring romance movies, for one thing," she said.

"Then think about this," he said. "Loving someone is seeing them more clearly than anybody else has ever seen them - the physical and the emotional. It means noticing when they change their hair color or style. It means noticing if they're in shoes or sandals or walking barefoot in the rain. It means noticing - and it means caring."

"Still boring."

"If you want excitement," he said, "go ride a rollercoaster. Adventure and excitement in love are not impossible, and it's not that they don't happen a lot - but it's not what defines romance. So find someone to hold your hand on the tilt-a-whirl and then go watch a movie together - leave the excitement to happen if it will happen, and in the meantime just enjoy some good company."

"I was wrong," she said, peering over the tops of her glasses at him.

"Wrong? How so?"

"You're not the world's newest cynic. You're the world's weirdest romantic."

"Maybe," he said, smiling and winking. "But you'll also notice I'm the sneakiest."

"How so?"

"I managed to get through that entire discussion without ever once bringing up his name to you."

She bowed her head and rubbed her temples. "I don't know," she said. "What am I going to do?"

"Go on with life," he said. "And take it all as it comes along - the same as everybody else."