The Worst Child Abuse: Lack of Discipline

While child abuse is a terrible thing, children today seem to be suffering from something far more profound: a lack of discipline. I often visualize social history as a pendulum swinging from extreme to extreme; today's extreme has gone toward the idea of "natural" childrearing. That is, many parents today seem to think that allowing children to self-discipline, or treating children as little adults, is the best way to raise them.

A second trend is also becoming more and more clear; children are being handled with kid gloves. Instead of allowing children to fail, schools are rewarding them for just trying, giving them awards and praise for any little achievement. While this has been a good way to teach children who don't normally achieve well, for the much larger population of children who should be expected to perform well, it's proven to be a very negative trend.

With low discipline and easy rewards, we're finding a new type of kid emerging: a child who has high self-esteem for absolutely no reason, a child who crumbles at the first adult failure, a child who is allowed to extend his or her toddlerhood into adulthood.

A child who is coddled, not disciplined, tends to:

- Fail more frequently, and take it harder
- Be more selfish than other children
- Misbehave in public more frequently
- Lack respect for others

The Reason We Need Discipline

Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution cannot be overturned in a generation. How long do you think parents have been teaching their children right from wrong? Spanking them?

The fact is, children need boundaries, rules, and consequences for both good and bad behavior. It's practice for being an adult, where the rules get much more complex and the consequences for foolish behavior can be deadly.

But children also need boundaries. Without them, they feel lost and adrift, though they don't know what is missing. They need to know that there are consequences to actions, and that good actions lead to good things while bad actions lead to bad things. Therapists have found that more behavioral problems stem from a lack of discipline, or from overprotection, overattention, and a lack of security and love. Children who always receive what they want never advance emotionally beyond the raging-toddler stage. And they never learn the all-important self-discipline, the single factor that can determine the young adult's success or failure in life.

Proper Punishment and Discipline for Children

When a child misbehaves, discipline should follow immediately after the misbehavior. There should be a clear, enforceable set of rules defining both infractions and the punishments such infractions will incur. As the child grows older, infractions should decrease at the same pace responsibilities increase; this should be noted as a reward for the child learning the proper way to behave.

The method of discipline is less important than its consistency. Every single time a child breaks a specific rule, the punishment specified should be applied. It can be less severe if the child confesses to the bad behavior or doesn't lie when confronted with the truth, but there should still be a consequence.

Punishment should always be applied with love, and the parents should be in agreement about the punishment. This is another reason that the rules should be clear with the punishments laid out - the parents can act as one.

Punishment should never, ever be delivered in anger, particularly any kind of physical punishment. If you're mad, it's better to tell the child she or he did a bad thing, then step away for a while to cool off. It is, in fact, better to not punish at all than to punish in anger. If you find that you tend to lose your temper when the child does something bad, you may be wise to seek outside help; this is not normal, and makes it very hard to function as a parent.

In addition to delivering punishment, understanding is critical. Children misbehave for different reasons at different stages of their growth, from simple selfishness to a need to rebel and create their own identity. A good child development book will tell you everything you need to know about these stages. Understanding the cause of the behavior can help you manage your own temper.

Positive Reinforcement As A Counterbalance to Punishment

It is even more important to interact with a child when he is being good. Reading to your child, getting him or her excited about learning; playing with your child; letting your child talk and argue with you, ensuring he or she knows how the world works - all these are ways you can help your child to develop.

The best reward in the world for children has nothing to do with candy or toys; it is, rather, your attention and love. When a child knows he or she is important enough to have earned your attention, he or she will be much more motivated to be good. Teaching your child self-respect by showing them respect will do more than any discipline to correct bad behavior.