The Worst Harry Potter Predictions Ever Made

The book doesn't start well. First, Harry gets another scar on his forehead when he uses the Sectumsempra curse on an large, nasty zit.

Then, at Bill and Fleur's wedding, he and Hermione get sloshed and make out in the Quidditch shed. This alienates Ron and Ginny for the rest of the book, and - even worse - gives all the die-hard Harry-Hermione shippers something to crow about. We'll never shut them up now.

There is a small joyful moment later on, though, when Harry is visited by Dumbledore's ghostly apparition. The late headmaster offers aid and comfort, and also says, "Dude, my death was WAY cooler than Obi Wan Kenobi's!"

Meanwhile, over on the evil side, Bellatrix Lestrange falls into chocolate-gorging depression after Voldemort says, "I think of you as a good friend." Wormtail tries to take advantage but blows it by, well, just being himself.

The horcrux guesses turn out to be wrong. Voldemort actually sold a piece of his soul to get one of the first iPhones, on which he stored the rest of his spirit. Harry has a chance to destroy it, but gets distracted by the cool features - Internet surfing is so easy! - and is so entranced that he allows himself to be captured. (But don't feel bad. Who could trash an iPhone? They're just sooooo cool!)

His capture leads to Harry finally facing off with Voldemort for their final duel - and he loses. Quickly, and badly. You know it's true. He had to go dirty just to beat Draco Malfoy. That kid is so unready to face a mighty opponent ... it'd be like Paris Hilton getting into the ring with an early 1990s Mike Tyson.

But don't worry! All is not lost. The now-wealthy Weasley twins find another way to end the war. They simply buy Voldemort what he always wanted - his very own ice cream truck. (Complete with a cool milkman hat!)

Ron finds wealth as well. He inherits Harry's invisibility cloak and, backed by Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, starts a popular line of voyeur videos called "Wet n Wild Witches."

Finally, we get a satisfying piece of conclusive action. After Snape makes snide remarks at Harry's funeral, Dobby springs from his corner and just totally wipes the floor with him.

The end.

Be sure to stay tuned for J.K. Rowling's next book, which will feature a child superhero .... who, uh, was adopted after his parents were killed and doesn't know he's a superhero! Oh, where could this frighteningly original storyline lead?