The Worst of the Horrid Or: Feeling an Eternity of Pain in 95 Minutes

You can search high and low, but you will not encounter a more suitable word, when describing "BloodRayne".

Dreadful.

To say that this movie is atrocious, is to merely hint at the futility of its experience. Its a pointless picture. Everything inside of BloodRayne is so wrong, that its sad. The Dialog is only a tool to further the story. The action is scuzzy, and no fun at all. They selected a fine cast of actors... but they most surely forgot what movie they were casting for. Because the actors chosen, were completely wrong for this movie. The bit of sexual activity that is found in it, is perverse. I felt as if I were watching pornography rather than a "love" scene. The worst part.. the element that made it a catastrophe.. was the woeful way.. that it took itself seriously. In the end it wanted to pull at emotional strings that were non-existent.

Plus, I have never in my life viewed a movie, that made me cringe as much, as this deplorable movie did.

Now if your asking yourself.. dude what is this pitiful picture about.. Well let me give ya, a quick rundown..

The story is set in the 18th century, in the city of Romania. It is about vampires and the biting that they do. The main persona in this flick, is Rayne played by Kristanna Loken. She is a lady, who is half-human and the rest vampire. She is called a Dhampir. "Strangely" she is prone to burst into fits of rage and bloody neck biting. In this movie, she seeks revenge for the rape and killing of her mother. Also, we encounter a group of vampire hunters who are looking for the same man who bit her mother.. King Kagan who is played by Ben Kingsley. The story is the group and Rayne, in hot pursuit of K.K. er.. King Kang.

"The Talkin' Was Not Doin' Much Talkin'"

More than laughable, the dialog was painful. When not being merely a way to continue the story, it was full of unreasonable quotes and illogical discussions. Not to mention that it held dialog that you would hear in the 18th century but it seemed awfully robotic. Yeah, it sounded like that time period, but it felt like a rundown version of it.. no more like, a dilapidated form of it. All while being delivered in a monotonous manner.

The actors were shall we say some cool dudes. (But none of the coolness showed up this movie) Because they were wrongly chosen.

Lets speak for example about Michelle Rodriguez. I must admit that I buy into her hard as nails persona.. ever since I watched her in "Fast and The Furious" and "Girlfight". But she is no drama concistador or a thespian. Her speaking of olden time dialog was just completely awful. Michael Madsen was a splendid mad man in "Reservoir Dogs" and played a great Budd in "Kill Bill". Yet, here we see him with long almost blonde hair and acting a part that is totally unbelievable. And as Molly Shannon said in SNL.. dont even get me started!.. with Mr. Ben Kingsley. I tell ya, I almost shed a tear. I was so embarrassed for him. Let me describe the way he looked: An old grandmother with fangs. He looked female and weak.. the great vampire who is menacing and a fierce killer looks like an elderly lady! You see nothing of the dramatic mastery that he displayed in "Gandhi" or the evil seen in "Sexy Beast".

The only acting I liked in this movie was delivered by Billy Zane who played Elrich. (Another Vampire..) Yet his part was so brief, that it was meaningless for him to be found in this picture. It was a tease. And it added even more to the injurious feelings.. that the rest of the movie brought.

The Movie of course is Rated R. for explicit blood and guts. A sex scene worthy of the porno section. And foul language. And while it may all be gratuitous, none is pleasant. It was an exercise in entertainment futility.

Oh and I really don't know what the director Uwe Boll was thinking when he believed that his story was anything but meaningless. He created this massive montage, that he expected to create feelings over what the main character went thru.. but it just gave us enough time to ponder on the dreadful experience that we endured.

ZeN