The Worst Song Ever

Music is a pleasure, a source of enjoyment, inspirational, a wave generator of sentiment. Well, to be more accurate, music carries the possibility of encompassing such things but only in the best of circumstances. In the worst of circumstances music is annoying like a persistent mosquito, intrusive like a jackhammer, or just downright auditorily awful. It reaches the lowest of sludgy slimy lows when the song is not only plain old bad, but also has the ability to stick right inside the head playing over and over like an infection caught in a time warp. Of course taste in music is in the ear of the beholder so that which is harmonious bliss to one might be putrid pond scum to another. There are some who even discount entire genres of music. A friend of mine who never made the transition to rock and roll treats nearly all post 50s American pop music as such. In his opinion, it is noise pure and simple. Although I prefer some genres over others and have had transformation in music taste over time (that went in sync with development and the aging process from pre-adolescent classic rock to new wave teenager to college years "alternative" to salsa, merengue and soft rock (thirty-something what has happened to me?)), there is one song that sticks out as being particularly awful across all genres. It is an American pop song from the late 1980s and is a principle part of a soundtrack for a dance movie. This could explain in part why it is so bad as a good dance movie is a rare find. I admit that there are at least two ("Saturday Night Fever" and "Save the Last Dance") but they are the exception as most dance movies tend to put too much focus on an unbelievable obsession with a particular type of dance. The best dancer is also unbelievably admired for dancing incredibly un-cool and there are far too many people obsessed with "outdancing" the other person or at worst a whole team of dancers. Dance movies are in general cornier overall than the fields of Iowa in July.

There are at least two classic bad dance movies that are graced with bad songs, one of which is I dare say possibly the worst of all time. "Footloose" is one; I mean teenagers dancing like fools in a parking lot to "Dancing in the Sheets"? First of all, teens in 80's rural America listened to classic rock (and a lot still do; yeah Kansas, yay Foreigner) and secondly ran the risk of being ostracized or beat up by their peers if they did such corny dances in public. Kevin Bacon sprinting around a barn like an 80's gazelle on acid? OK, it is feasible because he did it in private but that would not make him cool (hence hiding out in a barn to get his dance on). Cops pulling Bacon over and busting his tail lights because he was playing music too loud (we don't like that stuff in our town boy!- Not in out town!!)? Once again feasible but not very. Of course last but not least, we have Kenny Loggins singing the theme song that went by the same name as the movie title. Kenny just might be the king of all time corny; he certainly reigns when it comes to corny movie soundtracks (remember "Meet me Halfway"?). If you are in doubt, just check out these stellar lyrics from Footloose (what at least sound like the lyrics): "Footloose, kick off your Sunday shoes" "Louise, pull me off of my knees!" "Jack, get back!" "Milo, lets go!"

Never mind that Louise, Jack and Milo weren't even in the movie, the lyrics just sound absurd all on their own especially with Kenny saying these words as if they really mean something.

Despite its shortcomings, the song "Footloose" is still light years ahead of the worst song ever. It is catchy in a sort of fun way and I actually would like to kick off my shoes on a Sunday but maybe to watch the Discovery channel instead of dancing like an idiot in some Midwestern parking lot. The worst song ever, though, inspires nothing but anguish. It hails from a film that will forever grace the rented plasma screens of trailer parks throughout the world. The movie is "Dirty Dancing" and if it weren't so well known, the title alone would make most decent folks pause before snatching it off the local Blockbuster shelf. Although it sounds like some cheap pornographic production, it is actually a film about a 17 year old named "Baby" who romances/is romanced by her dance instructor at an upscale summer camp. Come to think of it, that still makes it sound like a cheap porn film. Nevertheless, the plot isn't so bad actually and the film had tremendous success, likely being one of the most watched romances of all time. Irregardless, the finale is terribly corny (as most dance movies are) with Swayze's character defiantly stating, "Nobody puts baby into a corner"(!). I'm not sure what sort of feelings that is supposed to generate. I know that in my case, I am left with the queasy sort of feeling I get when I don't know whether to laugh or be sick. The waves of near nausea then grow as Swayze's rebel talk is followed up by Baby and him carrying out their dance routine to the worst song ever; "I've Had the Time of My Life" (IHTTOML). Ouch; merely writing the title makes me cringe deep inside. While they scandalize the dance floor and mindsets of the fifties era couples who are forced to behold this pathetic spectacle, a bunch of other couples shamelessly join in, the whole thing culminating in Patrick holding "Baby" high over his head followed by a gleeful jump into the air (puke, puke). These acrobatics occur at the climax of the song; a refrain that is dually sung, the words being the same as those of the title of this atrocious little ditty; "I've Had the Time of My Life". The movie then finally ends as the song plays on. Supposedly, Patrick and Baby dirty dance their way into the sunset and everyone is happy, especially Baby I suppose because she didn't get left in a corner.

It it wasn't for that movie, there is absolutely no way such a torturous melody would have ever graced the air waves. Incredibly, the song was almost as huge a hit as it was terrible, a phenomenon so illogical that I suspect it may have been designed by non-earthlings as part of some inexplicable experiment. From start to finish, "IHTTOML" is just horrible. First, some guy slowly sings in a deep voice that he had the time of his life and that he never felt this way before. This is followed up by some woman slowly singing the same phrase. "IHTTOML" then picks up the pace a bit with more alternating of similar phrases until they finally sing together how they both had the time of their lives. This goes on and on sans any sort of hint at what they have been doing. Did they go out for dinner? Just what did they do to make it the time of their life and wonder if this was love after searching through every open door? I mean please, how about some substance here. After all, saying that you had the time of your life, never felt this way before and it's all because of you is a very hefty statement unless you perhaps grew up in an Oliver Twist fashion or (God forbid) were a child soldier in West Africa. Could the singers have gone to an upscale summer camp where the excitement of learning how to dance in a provocative fashion while falling in love with the instructor at the cusp of adulthood made them feel that "this was the time of their lives"? Ok, so that is what the movie is about but the song doesn't explain this; in fact it lacks any references to dance whatsoever. And if that were the case, which one is the instructor? Because to me it sounds like they are both the student. Certainly this lack of substance while singing in such a happy, convincing manner is a big part of the reason why this song is terrible. I mean why did you never feel this way before? How do you even feel? Was it a first experience with some sort of drug that stimulates the production of endorphins? The music is also bad; sickeningly happy sounding and as superficial as a corn flakes commercial. Probably the main reason that explains why this song is the worst is that it was not only awful to listen to but was also overplayed, overplayed, and once again overplayed. I was personally witness to such gross overplay of this travesty while working as a busboy at a Howard Johnson's restaurant in Niagara Falls, NY, summer of 1988. Carrying countless bus pans filled with dishes, coffee cups and a sloshy mix of the remnants of ash trays, scrambled eggs, and syrup soaked pancakes into the steaming hot kitchen was tedious yet manageable. Working like this to the accompaniment of "I Had the Time of my Life" was psychological torture. Sure, I had the time of my life; if that's how you want to describe a conscious nightmare. No, I never felt that way before (and thank goodness!). And yes I swear its all because of you; "you" being "I Had the Time of My Life"; the worst song ever.