The Worst Super Powers Ever

As a child, I grew up watching the cartoon adventures of Spiderman, the Fantastic Four and Wonder Twins, to name a few superheros. These were heroes who had powers that I could only dream of having and maybe one day I would be able to sling webs like "Spidey" or sail along a bridge of ice like Iceman.

However, what about those superheroes that we never heard about as children? The ones who got the short end of the stick in the super power department. Where are their action figures? When do their cartoons come on, and what's their catchy jingle for their show? Alas, these poor heroes will never see one moment of the spotlight, and in reality, would probably not want the spotlight anyway. But here, tonight, we will briefly highlight them:

Speed Reading Man: Not to be confused with the fast talking Micro Machine man of the 80's, Speed Reading Man was a simple janitor who fell asleep one night watching infomercials. While some hyperactive British man was carrying on about how 'you too can read War and Peace in 5 minutes' with his product, there was a power surge from the local nuclear plant. This surge of radioactive electricity coursed through his television set and actually soaked the janitor's DNA with the power of the British man's speed reading product (currently available on QVC for $29.95; act now!). From that day going forward, he went from being a simple day janitor, to Speed Reading Man. Criminals of the United States beware! He'll be able to read your rights even before you know that he did.

Magnetic Colon Woman: This is one superhero that will challenge Wonder Woman for cool points one day. A simple office secretary, Magnetic Colon Woman went to the hospital one day for a simple x-ray. However, five tequila shooters before having an x-ray is not a good idea, as she learned. Not liking hospitals at all, Magnetic Colon Woman hit the local bar and fell asleep in the x-ray machine. The technician on duty was busy calling to order a speed reading product on QVC and lost track of time. Three hours later, the lab tech woke her up and sent her on her way home. Unfortunately, she was not able to make it out the door, as her colon had become magnetized and was attracting every medical instrument towards her. Sadly, this superhero's story ends rather quickly. When she did finally make it out of the hospital, her magnetic colon dragged her to an oncoming bus that was going to the steel mill. What a way to be put out of your misery.

Frictionless Man: A worker at a Teflon factory, Frictionless Man slipped one day at work and onto an assembly line and was injected with four liters of Teflon. After going to the hospital, Frictionless Man found that he could not stand up, could not walk for more than a second, or even reach for his wallet to pay his hospital bill without slipping and sliding. After sliding around for days on end, he came across his new best friend: a dog who experienced a horrible accident at a Velcro factory. And with that, a famous duo was born: Frictionless Man and Velcro Dog, latching on to evil doers and sticking them away for a long time.

There are many other poor super heroes who are suffering from the same issue as those three people. If you know of any such heroes, please do what would only be seen as the right thing to do: point at them, laugh at them, and say 'Thank God that's not me!"