The Worst Thing I Ever Bought

I like to think that I make well-reasoned, sensible purchase decisions. As an accountant, I always weigh the cost versus the benefit of any potential purchase in order to convince myself that I am going to get good value from it. However, everyone makes bad purchase decisions at one time or another and I am certainly not immune from that. This is the tale of the worst thing I ever bought (and the even-worse follow up to rectify it).

It seemed like a really good idea at the time. I am a foodie and love nothing better than to cook from scratch. I was, therefore, very intrigued when I began seeing television commercials for the Bullet Express on the Food Network. The Bullet Express is made by the same company (or so I thought) as the Magic Bullet, a small counter-top blender/grinder. I love my Magic Bullet and use it practically every day to grind spices, flax and to make my own mayonnaise. The Bullet Express is a food processor and its greatest feature is that it has a "shoot out" spout on the bowl. This means that you are not limited by the size of the processor bowl but can continuously slice or shred while the food piles up in bowls that you put under the spout- a very convenient feature for people like me who make gigantic batches of things.

I did wait, however, to buy it. I saw the commercials for about three months and read some online reviews. The first indication that I should hold off came when the overall reviews were wishy-washy. Several people said that they burned the motor out when they tried to knead dough in the machine- a feature much-touted on the commercials. My excitement got the best of me, though, and I ordered the machine. After all, it had a 30-day warranty and I would have lots of time to check it out before the warranty expired.

The Bullet Express worked quite well for the first few days. I sliced a half bushel of zucchini, grated mounds of carrots and made dips and spreads. Then, I tried some pizza dough. Within a span of ten minutes, the Bullet Express went from happy productivity to flat line death. The motor had burned out. Hoping that it had a cut off feature that shut the motor off when it gets too hot like many appliances, I waited for a few hours and tried it again. Nothing. It was dead. And that's when the nightmare really started.

There was not enough information included in the box to tell me how to file a warranty claim. I had to call the company. And call the company. And call the company. I could get into the automated system but had to wait for a customer representative. The first time, I waited over 45 minutes. The second time, about a half hour. The third time, I only gave it about 20 minutes before I hung up. I emailed them will no success. Finally, I did the only thing I could think of to get their attention. I blocked the last two payments on the processor. If anything would get them to call me, it would be not getting paid.

I got a call, alright -- from a collection agency. I explained the problem and they promised they would get the Bullet Express company to call me. I never heard from them. I informed the collection agency that I would take their client to small claims court if I ever heard from the agency again. I have heard nothing since.

Ultimately, I had to chalk the experience up to a bad purchase decision. I moved the carcass of the Bullet Express into our storage room so that it wouldn't mock me relentlessly. Then I pulled out my old Moulinex processor and apologized to it profusely for having an affair. It has since forgiven me.

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