The Writings of an Arschloch

So, there I was, just driving down one of the major freeways in California. You see, I grew up there and had to actually learn how to drive with all those morons. At any rate, I was driving down the freeway in pretty much bumper-to-bumper traffic, and I get stuck behind this slow moving grandma in an old station wagon that should have been given its final resting place years ago. It was one of those station wagons where, in the very back of it, you know, the seat behind the actual back seat, there was a seat that faced backward.

Okay, so you have this pictured in your head now. I'm driving my big truck, following this grandma driver in this rust bucket of a station wagon with this seat facing me. All right, in that seat there are a bunch of curtain climbers making all kinds of faces at me, pointing their fingers, talking a bunch of crap and basically being typical brats. All I know is, I wanted to reach through my truck and ring their little necks for being so rude and disgusting to a perfect stranger.

So, there they were, making faces and whatnot, when one of them picked something up and just threw it out the back window, right at my truck. All of the sudden, I had to slam on the brakes and swerve so as to not hit whatever they had thrown out the back window. So when I slammed on my brakes, grandma in front of me did the same and stopped dead in the middle of this bumper-to-bumper traffic.

I had almost hit her, but thankfully, I had good brakes. Just when I breathed a sigh of relief that I hadn't hit her, she stepped out of her car and began to walk up to my truck, screaming and yelling. I put my truck in park and stepped out just when she reached the front of my grill.

"Lady, what is your problem? Why the hell are you getting out of your car in the middle of the freeway?"

"You hit my cat! You killed my cat! You bastard, what is wrong with you? How could you do that?"

Now, keep up with me for a minute. She was telling me that I hit her cat, that I'm a bastard, and wanting to know how I could do all of that while I had been driving in my truck just minding my own business. Are you confused? I was there, and I'm still confused at how I could do all of that just for driving my truck and minding my own business.

At any rate, I began to ask her to slow down and explain to me what she is talking about. Then she tells me, and it just confirms that those little brats in the back of her car are exactly that-brats!

Those kids had taken her cat from the floorboard and tossed it out the back window, smack in front of my truck, so I would run over it. Now, I am a big animal lover, and I've had cats my whole life. As far back into my childhood as I can remember, I had always had a cat, sometimes even more than one at a time. I felt completely horrible about this turn of events and began to try to console her as best as I could.

I told her I would get the cat and take it to a vet. I told her I would l help her pay to have the vet take care of the remains. I told her anything and everything I could just to make her to stop yelling and crying. I felt so terrible, even though I knew that what had just happened was not something that I could control.

She finally calmed down a bit. I managed to get,her name and a little bit of information about her. Apparently, the cat I ran over had been in the family for a long time. The cat was about 15 years old and they were taking it up to see her mother in a nursing home. Talk about making me feel worse, but the cat that I just hit was her mother's cat, and she had not seen the cat for over three months.

Man, I couldn't believe this. At first, I thought that I was being set up by some friends or a TV show, but that wasn't the case. All I had to do was look at the front of my truck and see the little blood spots on it, and I knew that what she was saying was true.

Okay, she finally told me what I can do to help. All I had to do is help her get the cat off the freeway and give her some money to have the vet take care of the remains so she could take them to her mother at the nursing home. I agreed, just hoping that I could get back in my truck and be on my way.

Needless to say, since she had stopped dead in the middle of the freeway, someone had called the cops, because they thought there had been an accident. So while I am was gathering up as much as I could of that poor little innocent cat, a California Highway Patrol car pulled up right behind me.

While I walked back to my truck, I noticed that grandma was already speaking with the Highway Patrolman, and he was writing something. So I walked up to the grandma and told her that she can have her cat, that I'd picked him up off the road, and I pulled out my wallet to hand her some cash, like we had agreed.

Now here's the twist that to this day I cannot figure out and neither can my lawyer, but I got a ticket. Yep, that's right. I got a ticket for helping the grandma out to have her dead cat's remains dealt with. Now what was the ticket for?

Soliciting pussy on the side of the freeway.