The Wyatt Earp Roundup Review!

Misspelled words and bad grammar in this review are done on purpose to simulate the dialect used in the old west.

YEEEEHAAAW!

Howdy, Pardner! Welcome to the Wyatt Earp Roundup Review!
(Banjo music playin' in the background.)

Are you ready for some redneck rootin-tootin western shootouts and some pearly-neck romance? Well then hold on to your saddle, Pardner, cause I'm gonna take ya fer a WILD RIDE! Yeeeehaaaw!

WYATT EARP is a dime-novel written by Matt Braun. O' course nowdays it cost more than a dime. Hehehe!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The book don't say much about Matt..oh heck, I reckon I'll jest give ya what's on the front cover:

"Matt Braun has a genius for taking real characters out of the Old West and giving them flesh-and-blood immediacy."

Them sounds like powerful words to me, Pardner. I reckon the author, Matt, also left a note.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Wyatt Earp was the stuff of legend. Nowhere is this more evident than in the array of books and motion pictures devoted to "The Gunfight at the O.K. Corral." Throughout the decades, from that autumn day in 1881, the O.K. Corral shootout has become the most widely celebrated incident in the mythology of the Old West.

Yet there was more to Wyatt Earp than a gunfight that lasted thirty seconds. A westering man, Earp roamed the frontier for the majority of his life. His career as a peace officer was relatively brief, encompassing the years 1875-1881. The Kansas cowtowns of Wichita and Dodge City were where he first gained notoriety as a lawman. There policing the riotous Texas cowhands, he acquired a reputation for tough law enforcement.

But it was in Tombstone, an Arizona mining town, where the man and the myth became one... This is a fictional account based upon chronicles, court records, and certain recollections of those who lived through the deadly autumn of 1881...

Them sounds like fightin' words ta me, Pardner! Let me introduce the characters of the story fer ya. But before I do, I reckon I ought to tell ya-the good guys don't wear no white hats, and the bad guys don't wear no black hats-jest thought I'd mention that.

THE GOOD GUYS

Well first thars Wyatt Earp. He's tall, handsome, quick with a six-shooter (cheers and applause). He has a big ol' handlebar mustache as I recollect. He has a horse named Trigger (actually, I don't know the name of his horse. Trigger just sounded good).

Then thars Morgan and Virgil Earp. They's Wyatt's brothers( more cheers and applause). They is tall, handsome and quick with a six-shooter, and they also has big ol' handlebar mustaches and horses named Trigger. (Oh what the hay! Do ya really need ta know their horses' names?)

Doc Holiday is Wyatt's best friend (cheers and applause). He has a bad case of the consumption (that means he takes a lot of trips to the outhouse--hehehe!). He's a real good card player-so good that he's often accused uh cheatin'--but he could outdraw his gun faster than anybody accusin' em-so I reckon it don't matter much. He's kinda ugly- his face and form look like they was whittled out of a fence post. But don't tell him I said that-you best keep your mouth shut.

THE BAD GUYS

Curly-Bill Brocius-- is the meanest, orneriest low-down snake this side of the Mississippi. He would shoot his own Ma in the back if she back-talked him (boos and hisses). He is the leader of the Clanton Gang. He's tall, has curly black hair (hey!--maybe that's why they call him Curly-Bill), and a pock-marked face.

Johnny Ringo-second in command. Next to Doc Holiday he is the fastest gun in the territory. He is wanted for murder in three states (audience too scared to boo and hiss, gasps instead). Until Wyatt come along, no lawman would touch him-they is jest too dang yeller. I can't rightly recollect what he looks like...oh well, just go with Actor, Michael Bien, who co-stared in the movie Tomestone fer now-OK, Pardner?

Billy Clanton-youngest of the Clanton brothers-is young, skinny and wiry like Billy-the-Kid, but not as fast on the draw--and two droppings shy of a horse's deposit if ya know what I mean.

Ike Clanton--Billy's older brother. Ike is dumber than a fence post-so dumb he can't even lead his own gang. Heck...if his brother Billy is the horse's head-Ike would be the horse's caboose (AC would not let me use the A-word). He is far uglier than Doc, and kan't shoot worth a horse's deposit .

The McLowry brothers--they's in the gang too, but their parts in the story are so small, I don't rightly recollect their descriptions. Watch the Tombstone DVD, again, and get an idea. Yeah, I know what yer thinkin'-thar was no DVD players in 1881. Well, Pardner, thar was no epinions.com neither-so keep yer pie-hole shut!

THE ONE WE AIN'T SURE OF

Sheriff Behan-he seems ta me ta be on the side of the law-but he may be takin' bribes from the Clanton gang. He never arrests nobody no how-he's a bald, middle-aged, fat, yeller-belly sow. At least that is my opi-onion. Hehehe!

THE LEADIN' LADY

Sadie--is Behan's gal...but she has her eye on Wyatt. She's REAL PURDY-she's an ak-tress at the Oriental Saloon Theatre, with soft, fair skin and flowin' red hair (awwww!). Plus, she's got quite a hitch in her get-a-long, if ya know what I mean? O0000HWEE!

THE PLOT

Well, Pardner, if yer like me, yer probably wonderin' about the plot:

Does Sadie end up with Behan, or will she fall for Wyatt, and dump Behan's sorry caboose?

What really happens durin' that legendary CON-FRON-TA-SHUN at the OK Corral?

Does Wyatt, Doc, Virgil and Morgan kill the McLowry Brothers? Ifin they do, what is Curly Bill and the Clanton gang gonna do about it?

Does the Clanton Gang Kill Wyatt's brothers?. And ifin they do, what's Wyatt gonna do about it?

Ifin you really wanna know, you gotta pay me 10 silver dollars-hehehe! Jest funnin' wid ya, Pardner. You ain't gotta pay me nothin'-jest read the doggone book!

FINAL KURTAIN

Well it's been real nice chewin' the fat wid ya, Pardner. I gotta skeedadle-YEEEEHAAW!

(williampinn, the roundup reviewer, rides off into the sunset. Trumpets are playin' a western theme.)