The Yankee Fan's Guide to Hating the Boston Red Sox

Every true New York Yankees fan hates anyone on the Boston Red Sox roster, but often times do so blindly, simply out of allegiance to their club. I detest the Red Sox more than most and have the unique ability to go up and down their roster and tell you why I can't stand each and every player on the team. From the beloved-in-Beantown "Big Papi" to the not-so-popular J. D. Drew, I can give you my reasons as to why the mere mention of any Red Sox player's name makes my blood boil. Being too lazy to look up actual statistics for this article, I will give you the ones that I have calculated in my head for each player.

Start with David Ortiz, "Big Sloppi" I call him, the three-hundred pound designated hitter. He is listed at 230 on the Red Sox website, but they forgot to tell him to put his other foot on the scale. Ortiz's father is Yaphet Kotto, the actor, and one of my nicknames for David is "Cananga", a villain role that Kotto played in the James Bond movie "Live and Let Die." I use it so much that my wife went to work one day and asked her friends if they had seen the home run Cananga had hit the night before, getting only blank stares in reply. Ortiz hits .734 against Yankee pitching, as the Yankee hurlers are afraid to knock him off the plate. If Ortiz hits the ball to someone, he simply turns around and goes back to the dugout, not bothering to run anything out. He also spits into his batting gloves and claps them together in as disgusting a ritual as there has been in some time.

Manny Ramirez also murders Yankee pitching, to the tune of a lifetime .642 average and 212 home runs. Manny also saves his only efforts on defense for balls hit by Bronx Bombers; against everyone else he just trots around the outfield nonchalantly. Manny's dad was "Predator" from the Schwarzenegger movie, as they have similar hair styles. Ramirez delights in tossing foul balls into the stands for the fans, just out of the reach of crippled children. Centerfielder Coco Crisp's dad was the popular Fruit Loops, and Crisp must make him proud. Coco has a batting stance that resembles an owl swiveling his head around in a tree, and the only time he ever gets a big hit is against New York, usually a ground ball down the first-base line that goes into Fenway Park's rat-infested right field corner for a triple. Crisp also enjoys diving for balls that anyone else would catch on their feet, so he can make the highlight reels.

Red Sox rooters may hate J. D. Drew more than Yankees fans do, as he has failed to deliver any signature moments in his first year with the team except for watching six pitches go by with a recent game on the line without lifting the bat from his shoulders. Usually a guy like Drew comes from another team, puts on the Boston uniform, and is transformed into the second coming of Rogers Hornsby at the plate, much as Mark Loretta was last year, a Punch and Judy hitting second baseman who hit .865 versus the Yanks. Back-up infielder Alex Cora is such a player. Cora somehow manages to get base hits despite the fact that his hardest struck ball wouldn't injure an infant.

In the infield, first-baseman Kevin Youkalis looks as if he plays for an old House of David traveling team. Just his appearance alone infuriates a true New York Yankees' fan, as his beard and bald head make the blood pressure rise. Youkalis does add comic relief to Red Sox games since he has a nutty every time he makes an out. Dustin Pedroia, the five-foot-one second baseman, has fit in nicely with the Sox, as I cannot even stomach looking at his face. Pedroia argues every time a call goes against him, and he has a face that only a mother could love, if your mother was a ferret.

Shortstop Julio Lugo looks like he has some sort of an intestinal disorder, and luckily for Yankee faithful, Julio plays with a spring in his step, and his glove. Lugo is not exactly a defensive whiz, but he still has knocked in over sixty runs on about seventeen hits. Third baseman Mike Lowell is of Cuban descent, and dissent, and he is an avid hater of Fidel Castro, which tempts me to be an avid supporter of Fidel Castro. Lowell was as washed up as could be before coming to Boston, where he has signed a pact with the devil to become a good player once again.

The only player on the Boston Red Sox that any Yankee fan can come close to showing respect for is catcher Jason Veritek, as he displays a winning attitude at all times. I still abhor him, but wouldn't mind him on my side. As for the Red Sox pitchers, they all make me want to regurgitate any meal I eat, but closer Jonathan Papelbon is my least favorite. Papelbon's hair is on steroids, as it stands straight up even when his ball cap is on, and his father, former Bears' quarterback Jim McMahon, passed on his bug-eyed look to his son, who gets batters out with a spitball.