The ZombieFlex Workout

In the event of a zombie apocalypse, most of America is gonna die. If the zombies don't get us, the exertion required for survival will be too much for our pudgy, McDonald's-stuffed bodies and we'll just keel over from heart failure. Now is the time to prepare, before the outbreak starts and it's too late. I give you ZombieFlex, the zombie survival preparedness workout:

Endurance
In preparing for a zombie apocalypse, endurance should be a priority. Once the roads become inaccessible, survivors will likely need to hike several miles on foot, often through difficult terrain. Fatigue makes you sluggish, robbing you of the speed advantage humans enjoy over shambling zombies. If you live in an area conducive to it, take up hiking. If you aren't already a skill hiker, be sure to start small. As your body adjusts to the rigors, you can increase your hiking distance and add a weighted pack. When hiking, it's easy to zone out on the trail.

Try to stay alert. Zombies could attack at any moment. If you have friends who are also preparing for the apocalypse, get some of them to hide along the trail at random intervals and leap out and give chase when you draw near.

Don't limit yourself to daylight hikes. During a zombie outbreak, you may need to leave at a moment's notice, regardless of weather or time of day. Hiking in the dark or during rain is a much different experience than hiking in dry daylight, and you don't want to get caught unawares.

Strength
It takes a surprising amount of strength to crush the human skull, and if you get caught without firearms, you may have to resort to some good old-fashioned head-bashing. Weight training to increase upper body strength will serve you well. Consider looking into some of the training regimens that baseball players use to improve the strength of their swing.

Since zombies usually have difficulty climbing, it's a good idea to practice pull-ups. In a pinch, being able to grab the edge of a wall or fence and pull yourself up and over can be a good way to escape from zombies, at least in the sort term.

Agility
Being able to hike for days on end or crush zombie skulls with your bare hands won't do you any good if you get swarmed and overwhelmed. The undead have the advantage of numbers, and if you get caught in a crowd, you need to learn how to duck, weave, and dodge to get away as fast as possible.

This is best practiced with a large group of people. Pick one person to act as the survivor, and everyone else serves as zombies. The goal is simple: the zombies try to catch the survivor, and the survivor tries to avoid them at all costs. Practice quick changes in direction, dodging around zombies as they approach. Remember that a zombie can also be used as a shield by placing them between you and the rest of the horde.

Try a number of scenarios: multiple survivors, tight corridors, difficult terrain. Try to practice for every scenario you can think of, and learn to evaluate how your body moves. Whatever you do, stay on your feet. If you trip, you're probably dead.

Shed The Pounds
Reducing your caloric intake and increasing your cardiovascular activity is the best way to lose weight, and doing so has a number of advantages during a zombie outbreak. For one, you'll be faster and have more energy: dragging around all that extra weight slows you down. It'll also make you a smaller target, meaning zombies will have a harder time catching you.

Training Tips
Drink lots of water. Hydration helps keep your body cool, and keeps your body supple, helping to prevent muscle tears and other bodily pains. Learn your limits, and take care to prevent injuries: you don't want your training to give you a bad knee injury that'll incapacitate you during the apocalypse.

Once you're in good physical condition, start training in full survival regalia. Dodging a zombie crowd in shorts and a t-shirt is much different from dodging them while wearing a 60 pound pack.

Disclaimer
This is a work of fiction. Before beginning any workout regimen, be sure to check with your doctor. Do not attempt anything dangerous, such as hiking at night in a rainstorm, unless you have the skills and knowledge to survive such a situation unharmed. The author of this article is not liable for any damages, injuries, maladies, or other liabilities, physical, mental, emotional, financial, spiritual, geographical, or otherwise that you may suffer due to following this fictional guide.