Theo(logic)al

i am searching
for some kind of epiphany
digging through volumes of
physics and philosophy
energies, atomic fusion
grand ideas of the now and hereafter
string theory and nihilism
and jesus was only a man
and i am secure
in my convictions
insecure
in that security.

i don't want to be afraid of the dark
but i still need the television on
when i sleep.

i want to believe all the things that you do
in feathered wings and haloes
and this "better place" that everyone says
is waiting down the road
but if i did-
if, by some bizarre chance and a blow to the head-
i believed in anything
to be here now
would be impossible.

i cannot look at over there
raise my hands in faith and hallelujah,
praise him
and make a joyful noise
but i can look at now
right here, this second
and believe in it
and that's all i need
to know.

you are all the god i need.