Therapeutic Abuse: My Experience with an Abusive Therapist

Mental heath is and was a field in which I work(ed). I thought I knew what to expect from a mental health provider. A friend and co-worker suggested I talk with someone about the things that were going on in my life. I thought, at first, that I didn't need help, but I later gave in. I was referred to a provider in the area. Working in the field, I thought I knew what I was getting into. I later found out how wrong I was.

I knew that things were awful for me growing up, but during adulthood, I didn't realize how it continued to affect me. So, when my co-worker suggested I seek therapy, I didn't think I needed help, but I later gave in and began seeing a provider. Working in a mental health clinic, I thought I had a good handle on what therapy was about.

When I began meeting with my therapist, I felt very uneasy. The night before our first meeting, I didn't sleep well. I was anxious to the point of feeling sick to my stomach. I am a very honest person, so when the therapist commented about dealing with my insurance deductible I was pretty uncomfortable. She implied she would handle the deductible by billing for additional sessions. I had already met my deductible and informed her it wouldn't be an issue. At this point, I felt uncomfortable, but I was referred to this provider and tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. She made some other comments regarding payment that were slightly off but I figured she's the owner of the clinic, she can make her own rules.

I was seeing this therapist for depressive symptoms and past abuse/trauma. As time went on, I didn't feel like things were progressing. Most times, I would leave the office feeling worse about my life and myself than I did before. This troubled me, but again I chalked it up to "things have to get worse before they get better." I knew therapy wasn't supposed to be easy. I continually ignored these red flags.

I eventually found some on-line support groups and joined one. On of my coping strategies has always been to isolate myself. I spent much time alone in my bedroom with only my computer. I mentioned the on-line support group in therapy and my therapist's reaction was quite surprising. She made very clear her opinion was that on-line help was not what I needed. She asked that I join a support group in our city. I refused citing the small population and discomfort of seeing one our clinic clients there. She told me that I was putting on a show for my online group and because there was no face-to-face contact there was no way to insure I was being the real me. Basically, what I heard her say was I was lying to these people. I was very upset by this. I felt like a child being reprimanded. Here I had done something proactive and she ridiculed me because of it.

Growing-up I was always a pleaser; I would do whatever was asked in order to please my caretaker. I was abused for years. During the first session with my therapist, as is with starting out, we talked about what I had encountered growing-up. I believe this is when the therapist saw the opportunity to "re-parent" me. I was, in her words, still that scared little girl. Many times, I found myself being criticized for the way I reacted to things. She was critical of my ability to handle my marriage and of my parenting. There were times I did things just to prove myself. She implied I was allowing my spouse to walk all over me; in response, I jumped to make changes. I told her about it and she said she was surprised she thought I was "too co-dependant" to make such a change. I thought that was a rather harsh statement but didn't tell her so. As many abused children do, I had drawn the conclusion that if something was wrong; it was because of me. I drew this same conclusion with this therapist. After all, she is the professional.

I consistently attended therapy for months, and for months, I listened to her tell me I wasn't trying. I thought attending therapy and doing all the things she asked of me was trying. Apparently, I was mistaken. I was becoming increasingly depressed. I was told I needed an evaluation for medication. I was given no choice; an appointment was scheduled for me. Days later, the office called and said the appointment was cancelled. I was by this time I had decided that maybe I did need medication, and was very confused when the appointment was cancelled by the therapist. By this time I as a real mess, I didn't understand what was going on. I eventually did get the evaluation appointment figured out. The therapist never explained why the appointment was cancelled; instead, she blamed it on clerical error.

I started taking the medication and continued talking with the psychiatrist. My therapist insisted on knowing what the medications were and about any changes. I at the time thought this was normal. Only when she began questioning the reasons for changes, and the psychiatrist's decisions did I really get uncomfortable. About this same time, my appointments began to get confused. She would give me an appointment, I would show up, and she would have changed it. I somehow was to blame I had been mistaken or her staff forgot to call and tell me of the change. Either way I wasted time going for appointments that didn't happen. I never understood why but she had always talked a great deal about her own life and family. I thought then that it was a way to build rapport, but hindsight being 20/20; I realize that was not the case.

I would talk about therapy with my online support group and found that other's experience with therapy were nothing like my own. No one else's therapist did the things she did. She would eat during every session; she would apply make-up, floss, all things that indicated that she was paying little attention to what I was saying. Worst of all, she broke another client's confidentiality to me during a session. I felt great discomfort discussing things and usually held back my thoughts and feelings. I eventually realized this wasn't a good therapeutic relationship. I cancelled my last appointment, and never heard one word from the therapist. So many of the things she did/said were unethical, and I didn't even realize it. Or I didn't realize them until so much after the fact.

I now realize that what I was was a perfect mark. I was so conditioned to please that it left me vulnerable. The way I view this therapist now, is as a predator. She found my weaknesses and attacked at my most vulnerable areas. I eventually started to view her in alliance with my abusers. Instead of being a positive force for me, she behaved more like the people who had abused me growing up. It has been two years since I cancelled that last appointment and it is still painful to think about. She recreated the trauma and abuse I grew up in and brought it all to the foreground. Luckily, I was able to find a therapist who is far more professional and ethical that that first one. I think that because my new therapist is both of those things it has enabled me to be honest and upfront about my thoughts and feelings, and less likely to hold things back. If only I had known then what I know now it would have saved me a lot of pain.