There's No Business like Shoe Business

Working a part time job in retail has become a necessity for me. It seems being glib and trying to make people laugh on the internet is about as lucrative as being a lifeguard in the Sahara Desert.

For those who have ever worked, or are currently working, a retail job, you will probably agree that after dealing with the public, you seem to gain a new perspective of human nature.

I work for a nationally known shoe store, where the consumer comes in, finds a shoe they like, finds a box with their size written on it, tries the shoes on and proceeds to the cashier to make their purchase. Here's good news for men. No matter how many times your wife has yelled at you to pick up your clothes, women, in a shoe store, are slobs. Not all of them, mind you, but far more women will leave a stack of shoes in the middle of the aisle for other people to trip over then men. And, after a three and a half year study, it appears that the smaller the foot, the bigger the mess. It's like the smaller shoe size means a smaller I.Q.

So, here are some tips, you, as the consumer, should follow when shopping in one of these establishments. First, ladies, pick up after yourself. It's not our job to clean up your mess. We're not your mommies. If this is the way your house looks, you need disaster relief.

Also, when you use those disposable peds that are available for your use, keep in mind that they are disposable. So, don't leave your nasty, smelly, peds that have been on your unwashed feet, on the floor for the sales help to pick up. Would you want to pick up a perfect stranger's used underwear? Probably not. There are garbage cans conveniently located throughout the store for you to dispose of them. Use them. And tell your kids they are not headgear. So, quit letting them stretch them over their heads, especially if your kids found them on the floor and aren't the ones you thoughtlessly discarded.

Speaking of kids, there is nothing more boring for a kid then to watch grownups try on several dozen pairs of shoes. This causes unrest and soon your little darlings are running around the store, playing trip the sales help, or some other lethally dangerous game. Here's a good idea. Leave them at home. They'll appreciate your trusting them to fend for themselves and you'll be relieved that it wasn't them that knocked over that expensive display case.

Most importantly, and this goes for the men as well as the women, familiarize yourself with what time the store closes. Don't waltz in five minutes before closing and start looking to upgrade your wardrobe. If you can't get there the 12 hours the store is open, then perhaps mail order might be an option. We would like to go home and be with our families and friends. More than likely, you don't like it when someone comes in, just as you're about to dive for the exit at your job at quitting time, only to find out that something must be done before you go home. Retail workers are the same way.

In addition, we tend to get a little cranky when we've been on our feet all day. I can think of three instances, just as the store was about to close, that I may have been a little less than user friendly, because someone came up to me with the "Stupid Question of the Day."

1. During a busy boot sale, the floor was trashed with boots all over the place, out of their boxes and strewn about. A woman came up to me as we were trying to clean this disaster up and asked me, "Where would I find Italian boots?" My response: "In Italy."

2. A man, who had me watching him try on the same two pairs of shoes, for over a half hour, because he couldn't decide which pair to buy inquired, "I hope I haven't taken too much of your time. Have I?" My response: "I've had warts go away faster than you."

3. My favorite was the woman whose three kids kept pulling shoes out of boxes and bringing them to their mother who, instead of telling the kids to stop doing this, would then just stick the shoes anywhere on the shelves, asked me, "What is your return policy?" My response: "Don't."

So, in conclusion, if you've never worked in retail, perhaps you should, if only for a short time. You'll gain a new respect for these people who work hard, for small wages, and continue to smile. (I've found sticking a shoe horn in my mouth, achieves this goal.)