There's a Patron Saint for Just About Everything

A Patron Saint is a saint who has special affinity for a particular group. Prayers by such people are considered more likely to be answered if asked through their patron saint. It's kind of like knowing somebody who knows somebody.

Most versions of Christianity that believe in the Intercession of Saints have a whole catalog of patron saints and growing up Catholic, my family put a lot of stake in them. Whenever I had lost something, my mother would tell me to say the prayer to Saint Anthony while I looked for it, because Saint Anthony just so happened to be the patron saint of lost things. We were Irish-American so there was always a picture of Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, somewhere in the house. To this day I still keep a Saint Christopher medal in my car. Chris, for those who are unaware, is the patron saint of travelers.

There are patron saints for just about everything - cities, countries, concepts, and as you will find from the list below, some rather odd things indeed.

The Patron Saint…

Against death by artillery - Saint Barbara. Saint Barbara is also the patron saint of those who use artillery and bomb technicians. Apparently, Babs really likes to hear stuff go boom, just so long as no one gets hurt. Barbara is also the patron saint against mine collapse.

Against moles - Saint Ulric is the patron saint against moles. My research has yet to determine if he intercedes for you against body moles, or moles that burrow under your house, or both.

American Indians - Saint Anthony is the patron saint of American Indians. Which makes perfect sense since Anthony was Italian and died 200 years before Europeans landed in America.

Arms Dealers - If you are an arms dealer, then Saint Adrian of Nicomedia is your boy. Because if anybody needs someone in Heaven watching their back, it's arms dealers.

Bee Keepers - Saint Ambrose, who is also the patron saint of bees and Winnie the Pooh.

Carnival Workers - Saint Julian the Hospitaller. Now, Julian was a strange guy, he killed his own parents because they were lying in his bed and he mistook them for his wife sleeping with another man. He is also the patron saint of jugglers and, oh yeah, murderers.

Children who are learning to walk - Saint Zeno of Verona

Children who are late in learning to walk - Saint Vaast. I guess Vaast is needed because Saint Zeno sucks at his job.

Chimney Sweeps - Saint Florian (I thought Dick Van Dyke was a sure in for this one).

Clowns - Saint Genesius who is also the patron saint of actors. It seems during a stage performance before Emperor Diocletian in Rome, Genesius suddenly converted to Christianity which has been known forever as the world's worst ad-lib. Diocletian then had him tortured and beheaded. Man, talk about your tough rooms.

The Internet - Saint Isidore. Yes there is a patron saint of the internet. Isidore created one of the world's first encyclopedias known as the Etymologies. Isidore is also the patron saint of low mortgage rates and lonely housewives with webcams.

Nevada - Our Lady of Las Vegas. Hail Mary, baby needs a new pair of shoes.

Treaties between the Popes and Frankish emperors - Saint Petronilla. This is a pretty damn specific patronage and since there aren't any Frankish emperors anymore, pretty damn useless.

Unattractive people - Saint Drogo. Now, he was stricken with an illness that made him physically repulsive, so Drogo built a hut for himself at Sebourg and stayed there as a hermit for forty years. He is also the patron saint of shepherds and one can only assume, unattractive sheep.

Against Bubonic plague and misfortunes of all kinds - Saint Agricola of Avignon. The whole "misfortunes of all kinds" thing makes old Agricola a very busy saint. Devotees pray to him for good weather, fine harvests, and rain. He's a lot like Dick Clark.

Venereal Disease sufferers and those with hemorrhoids - Saint Fiacre. Now before we go into the whole patron saint of things on your genitalia issue, it should be known that Fiacre is also the patron saint of taxis. At first I thought this was because a lot of people contract venereal disease and hemorrhoids in the back of taxi cabs, but it turns out it's just because the first handsome cabs for hire began to appear outside of the Saint Fiacre hotel in Paris. I'll go into the venereal disease thing later. I just ate.

Angina - Suitbert of Kaiserwerdt. First off, it should be noted that up until 800 A.D. Suitbert was an insanely popular name for boys in England and France. You couldn't walk three feet without running into someone named Suitbert. I grew up wrongly thinking that the patron saint of chest pains was Redd Foxx, simply for the fact that his character had a heart attack on every single episode of Sanford and Son.

Headaches - Teresa of Avila. I had a headache this big, but I said a quick prayer to Teresa of Avila, and now it's gone.

And then there's Saint George. Saint George is the guy you may have seen depicted in paintings as a knight slaying a dragon. George is turns out is the busiest guy in Heaven. In addition to being the patron saint of the entire country of England, George is also the patron of; agricultural workers, archers, armourers, the Boy Scouts, butchers, cavalry, Crusaders, equestrians, farmhands, farmers, field hands, field workers, horsemen, husbandry, husbandmen, knights, riders, saddle makers, scouts, shepherds, and soldiers. He's also available for birthday parties and graduations.