These Feelings Within My Heart

Last night, my soon-to-be fourteen-year-old son grabbed his favorite afghan, dubbed Raspberry, and crawled onto the couch beside me. Christopher had been sick all day, and like the four-year-old he used to be, he came to Mama for comfort. Head on my shoulder, he began to doze. I could feel the pure animal pleasure of human contact, emanating from his soul: he felt safe, loved, warm.

I sat very still, careful not to disturb him, as his breathing grew deeper, slower. I leaned my cheek upon his head and breathed in the delicious aroma of Chris: young skin, freshly shampooed hair - his own special 'Chris' scent which I had first drawn into my heart on the day he was placed in my arms. Contentment filled my being, and my soul expanded with awe and gratitude. Here was affection, love, camaraderie; a bond so strong that it could never be broken.

Chris shifted a little and I could see the curve of his still childish cheek, the sweep of his eyelashes. I stroked his silky hair and breathed him in again. Soon my son would leave this home to make his way in the world, and these sweet moments would be gone from my life forever. They will be difficult to surrender, but necessary, if he is to have a life so different from my own: a life filled with love, joy and companionship.

So much of my life had been spent in loneliness. Indeed, I had come to the conclusion that this life time was to be spent alone. I had finally become reconciled to my fate when this beautiful child came into my life ' became my life.

I acknowledged to myself that I have placed all of my emotional eggs into one basket, and someday I would return to my aloneness, but I also acknowledged that a love this sweet, this pure, comes but once in a life time.

Chris murmured in his sleep and snuggled closer. Again my heart expanded, with the simple joy of holding my child. Contentment, gratitude, and love leapt from within my being, and sped its way to the Universe ' to Creator who sent me this special love. I bore witness to that love and held it to me with all of the hunger I'd ever known for just these feelings, these emotions, these transports of pure happiness, and I bore witness to the miracle of that love.

These feelings, these emotions, would someday take my son into a home filled with tenderness, gentleness and true partnership. In learning to love his mother, he would learn to love the other women in his life. I cradled this precious moment within my breast, reveled in the feelings of mother and son, and released them to the One who sent me this priceless gift.

Perhaps my life will not hold many more blessings such as these, but my son's life will stand testimony to what I have so freely, so joyfully given: my heart, my hopes, and my dreams - for him.