They Cut You with Scissors...And Other Things No One Tells You About Childbirth
1. The blood pressure monitor.
At my hospital, this stylish arm band had to be worn the whole time I was in labor. Not too irritating, except it went off every fifteen minutes. This gets old quickly, especially if you have a long labor.
2. You can't go to the bathroom without an entourage.
My loving husband, who is a big believer in hydration, refilled my glass of ice water about every fifteen minutes or so while I was in labor. Needless to say, I had to pee pretty much constantly. It was a huge production rolling out of the bed (which is easier said than done at 41.5 weeks pregnant) without dislodging any of the IV cords, then trying to waddle across the room to the restroom while dragging the IV pole. This usually entailed the help of my husband and the occasional nurse to steer the pole across the room without unplugging it. I never thought I'd be grateful for a catheter, but hiding it under a hospital blanket was far better than having a crowd outside the bathroom while you pee.
3. You will be hungry. Very hungry.
I had heard from people here and there that the hospital withheld food while you are in labor. I shrugged this advice off- surely, no hospital would starve a pregnant woman. In the end, I was right, you can have food. Of course that's only if you consider jell-o and chicken broth food.
4. Labor is long.
I can now totally respect the art that is tv editing. When labor is reduced to a half hour tv show complete with commercials, a lot of the monotony is edited out. Be prepared and bring some light reading or a really entertaining friend.
5. Nothing can embarrass you anymore.
Or, as my mom so eloquently put it, "Everyone except the janitor stops by to check your cervix."
6. Unlike diamonds, epidurals aren't forever.
My epidural was wonderful from the instant it was administered- I could still feel pressure from the contractions but was comfortable enough to nap. Approximately 18 hours later, I had only dilated two more centimeters, but the contractions were becoming stronger and stronger. I frantically pushed the white button, but it was to no avail. The anesthesiologist was called in, and he delivered heartbreaking news: your body learns how to metabolize the pain medicine, and it's effectiveness wears off. Why can't I burn off chocolate cake that fast?
7. They cut you with scissors. Seriously.
Episiotimies can be controversial. My doctor knew I wanted to avoid one at all costs, but just before my baby crowned, she decided one was absolutely necessary. No big deal, I was ready to get that baby out. I thought it would be a slight cut, made quickly with say, a surgical tool. Imagine my shock when she reached up from the end of the hospital bed and picked up a shiny silver pair of scissors, similar to the ones hidden under a layer of dust in my sewing room. According to my husband, that was the only time I really screamed while in labor. Baby's first expletive.
There were many surprises during my son's birth, but overall it was an exhausting, exhilarating, wonderful experience. No article, tv show, or second-hand account can fully prepare you for the amazing ride. But at least now you know to get in a good breakfast first.
Published by Robin Kay
Robin is a wife, mother and student who lives in the Far North. View profile
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9 Comments
Post a Commentthey didn't numb you down there?!? my sis had an episiotimy but they stuck her with a needle before they cut her! They decided to tell her AFTER the baby came. Then again, the only help she had was an IV because they had so much trouble getting the epi in, she was 10cm and pushing by the time they tried it TWICE!
Great article Lisa. There are definitely lots of things about childbirth that you just can't comprehend until they are actually happening to you! It's certainly worth it IMO, but no matter how much you think that you have prepared it always seems like something happens that you just aren't ready for. These are great things to warn people about!
Actually Heather I have to disagree on the chances of vomiting during labor if you have food. I know quite a few people who this happened to because they had eaten soon before a quick labor and they had no C-section. Maybe you were just talking about the risk of aspirating should you throw up, but personally my thought was that with everything else going on during labor the LAST thing I wanted to add to it was to be throwing up too. I stuck to ice chips and small amounts of fruit juice even though I hadn't eaten for about 30 hours by the time I actually delivered. I just had my husband run out and bring me back a nice big dinner afterwards. ;)
It's not how I think it should be, I just shared my experience. Although now I can completely understand why someone would opt for a homebirth!
This is American woman's view of childbirth, and it's actually pretty sad that we've gotten to a place of so much routine crap happening to pregnant women, their bodies and their babies and then we just accept it. Wait... hold up, do you really think that's how it should be? There are alternatives. It's just pretty bad that many people don't know about them.
This is exactly why someone would have to pay me to have my baby in the hospital unless absolutely necessary. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that! :( Like Sophie said, you have a little blessing now that you'll never regret, but it's too bad they put you through so much for something that should happen so naturally.
What Heather said. :)
I tore birthing my 10 1/2 lb baby, but only enough for one stitch. No scissors!!! Ouch!
Great article, Lisa. Childbirth sounds awful! Atleast you retained your humour and you have a son to show for all your hard work.
Sophie
These are all true, but you have the right to refuse ANY MEDICAL TREATMENT--period. You have the right to say "Get this off of me, get away from me." If you don't want something done to you, insist that it not be done, and have your partner back you up and be your advocate. Doulas are a great idea. I always tell people to bring snacks and don't let them NOT let you eat. That rule is in case you have an emergency C-section so you won't throw up and aspirate the food, but that is ExTREMELY uncommon today. Episiotomies are not recommended to be routine; doctors can support the perineum and head...it makes no sense to make a huge cut so you won't have a little tear.You can decline! Thank you so much for telling people about these things but please remember even if a doctor thinks something is necessary you still have the absolute last word.