They're Married with Kids and You Don't Understand This: How Cute! She Pooped
Don't Let Your Friends Know You Think Their Baby is Dumb
I'll give you an example. The other day, I was visiting and my friend's wife is keeping a baby journal or something. I really don't know what it is for sure and didn't bother to ask. I didn't care to know the specifics. She asked her husband, "What did do the other day?" Her spouse replied, "Crapped on the floor." She says, "That's right. Potty trained."
Potty what? That's not potty trained! Taking a dump on the floor isn't potty trained. I found myself in another world. I couldn't imagine myself in the realm where a human being relieving their self on my carpet would excite me. I want to disown my dog when it takes a no. 2 on the carpet. This is when I realized that I live in a completely different reality.
If I had a kid and it took a crap on the floor, I'd shove its nose in it and hit it upside the head and say, "Bad baby!" Why does someone voluntarily have a child that craps on the floor and be excited about it? You're not excited when your dog does it. I was struck then with the realization that dogs are better than babies. I'll list the reasons: 1) A dog can stop a burglar whereas a baby cannot and 2) A dog is smarter than a baby and 3) A dog is cheaper and easier to get rid of when you're tired of it. However, I figured out the catch! Babies are fun to make, so no wonder people end up with them.
Even so, I couldn't see myself being that guy that's married to that girl and her and I run into those people, and we proceed to exchange stories in the diaper section of Wal-Mart detailing what and what not little Timmy or Sally has crapped on. I'm sure this may change if ever I enter Fatherhood, but until then I am looking at my friend as if I am Dorothy landed in the Land of Oz and he's the Munchkin mayor.
Published by James Kings
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3 Comments
Post a CommentI love this and it is hilarious. You are a good writer, honestly and truly and you always make me smile ;-)
Dude, I am a parent and I love your point of view. I have never um looked at it quite that way. But when or if you have kids you will understand How funny they can be.
it's when your own vomit in the middle of a crowded restaurant that you'll see the humor in all of it...Trust me. I used to be you two kids ago...it's funny crap.