They Were Scared to Turn on the Lights

The man who gets the honor of having Mt. Everest named after him never climbed to the top. He was the first person to accurately survey its peak. The key here is the first because there have been others and the peak changes.

If it does exist, the Loch Ness monster is protected, so do not kill it.

Right before the famous Boston Tea Party, taxes were actually lowered on tea. The party went on anyway.

The Spanish Fly is not a fly. It's a blister beetle. I have a blister that is not really a blister, and I own many Beatle records, but that is another story.

Soldier and worker termites are sterile. What does this mean? Simply put, their development was arrested early. And I really miss "Arrested Development."

It has been estimated by those who estimate things that falling vending machines kill up to 13 people a year. The number could be much higher if people didn't lie about it. "Well, how did Bob die?" "A massive coronary due to ...blah, blah, blah." In reality, he was kicking the crap out of the vending machine trying to get to the Cheese Nips and it fell on him. You get the picture.

Some say the longest graveyard in the world is the Great Wall of China. OK, I'll say it, too.

There was a time in warfare when you could witness the cannonball rolling toward you. All you had to do was step out of the way or jump over it. Sure, if you were a coward, that is. Yes indeed, it was considered cowardly to do that. Call me a coward then.

Rats cannot vomit. Believe me, I've tried. I'm lonely.

The North Pole is actually a term used for a pole up north. Wait a minute, I lost track. The North Pole is actually several "invisible" surface points located in the Arctic Region.

When Roswell Downer installed a telephone in his home, he was happy. It didn't take him long before he was downer. So Roswell was really a downer because he could not talk to anybody. Nobody he knew had a phone. In fact, it was so early in the phone game he decided to hook one up at his bank, too.

What Galileo thought he saw around Saturn were moons, not actually rings. As for Uranus, make up your own joke right now.

A sloth may take up to a week to digest a meal. They have nothing on my uncle.

Sales of TV dinners really got a boost when it was revealed that Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower enjoyed eating them.

Let's face it, if the Leaning Tower of Pisa did not lean, it would be just another building.

When William Howard Taft ran for president, he gave no campaign speeches. Neither did Martin Van Buren. Ah, the good old days.

Termites mate for life, without Viagra.

Pop Goes the Weasel does not refer to an animal. It's a tool.

Cockroaches do indeed sleep. Do not ask me how I know this. The answer is quite disturbing and involves my Uncle Willie.

Ben and his wife were so scared to turn on the lights in their house, they had their servants perform the task. The house was the White House and the scared couple was President Harrison and his wife.

IN CLOSING: "The love you have inside, you take it with you." From "Ghost."