Things to Avoid when Getting Divorced for Men

I say that for two reasons: 1) I am divorced; and 2) I am a master of the obvious.

There are things I wish I knew then that I know now. There's not much I can do about what I've done, but I hope that men going through divorce may be able to learn from my mistakes. Here's what I learned:

1) Don't let her move with your kid(s). In my case, the ex moved back to the same town she grew up with. That would have been just dandy, except my child moved with her. This caused two very bad things: 1) my child and I each other immensely and now there's a chasm in our relationship; and 2) it gave the ex all of the power (more on that later). And in most states, you can forbid the ex from moving with your child(ren) beyond a certain mileage. Know the law is in your state. Remember, gents: the power goes where the child(ren) go.

2) If you try to be fair, you will live to regret it. Like many men splitting from their wives, I didn't want it to get bitter - you know, for the sake of our child. I didn't go after her retirement account, though I had every legal right to it, as she earned it while we were married. I also didn't force her to fork over other jointly held possessions. My ex, like many soon-to-be divorced women, saw this as a sign of weakness and attempted to clean me out financially - in addition to crushing me emotionally by moving out of town with my child. The lesson here, guys, is simple: you're going through a divorce because you don't get along - so why would you think she will be fair to you?

3) Secure good counsel. Your lawyer can make or break your case. My lawyer was a decent man and an accomplished lawyer. The thing was, he wasn't cutthroat and my ex's lawyer was. My ex wanted me to pay off half of the car she was taking with her and it was only through my own research - not my lawyer's - that I learned I didn't have to do that. A good lawyer should have informed me of that. Had I not discovered that the debt goes where the property goes, it may have cost me many thousands of dollars I didn't need to spend. Men, remember: spending a little more up front for a good, quality divorce lawyer can save you many times that in the divorce settlement.

4) Never go sans attorney. My ex summoned me to court in the town she moved to. This meant I had to drive four hours - one way - only to be beaten up in family court. Why did she do this? Well, her primary reason was to rip my heart out by suing me for full custody. She also wanted to hurt me financially, as it cost $100 and a day of work to make the trip. By this point in time, I couldn't afford to make the trip, let alone an attorney. If I had borrowed the money, I would have won. I know this because the ex worked in the same building that the courtroom was in. A lawyer would have used that fact to have the whole case thrown out. Guys, I have this to say to you: only a fool represents himself in court.

5) Things change. Of course, the end to that sentence should read "for better and worse." Freshly divorced, it seemed like I had my finances well in hand. As such, I bought out the ex's half of the house and financed it myself. This gave me equity. It also gave me enormous overhead, and, as a result, my debt load increased. But, as luck would happen, I met and fell in love with a wonderful woman who decided to love me back. Pre-divorced husbands, learn this well: your divorce will cause a roller coaster ride financially, socially and emotionally.