Things My Granmother Taught Me About Marriage

My maternal Grandma is an amazing woman. I'm not just saying that because she is sort of responsible for me being her, or because she makes the world's best chicken and dumplings, although that does help. I'm saying it because it is the God's honest truth.

By today's standards, my grandmother would be considered a "superwoman." She was married to the same man for over forty years, raised seven children on one income without outside help and now, holds down three part time jobs, a small farm and has an active social life. I am barely making it on two incomes, parenting every Wednesday and every other weekend, and having basically no social life. I cannot imagine how she did it.

So here I am, twenty-nine, having a very bad day, mad at the world, especially my husband and probably in the midst of PMS fueled angst. My mom is at the river boat gambling away with my step-dad, so I am left to the sympathies of my Grandma. What was I thinking? My Grandma ALWAYS tells it like it is, and she wasn't afraid to tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself.

My husband and I have both been married before. We know what a bad marriage is. We're able to see that our marriage is a good one, but sometimes, usually in the middle of an argument, I need a little insight. This is where my Mom usually steps in. With Mom nowhere in sight, I can always rely on Grandma. The advice Grandma gave to me in that phone call is something I strongly believe should be followed. Who am I to argue with a woman who had such a successful marriage?

#1) GO TO BED ANGRY. This goes against everything that everyone tells you. It's also the smartest thing I have ever heard. If you stay up all night arguing, chances are you are not just angry, but very tired too. You will say things you don't mean and cannot take back. Go to bed, get some sleep and some time away from the argument. You will probably still be mad, but at least you'll have a clear head.

#2) KNOW WHEN TO LET GO. Some things are just not worth fighting about. The color of your new sheets, what to have for supper, who fed the dog last. Ask yourself, "will my life be changed on the outcome of this decision?" If its not, then let it go. Sometimes, its just easier and better to give a little.

#3) KNOW WHEN TO HANG ON. Letting go is easy. Hanging onto something that you strongly believe in, even when your partner does not, is not easy. You love him/her and want him/her to be happy. Stand up for your beliefs. Present a strong, researched and thought out front. Do not present him/her with opinions only. CALMLY and rationally explain the whys, wheres and whats of your argument. Do not get heated. Doing things in a manner that is logical and calm will not necessarily win them over, but it will bring respect, and you may just have to agree to disagree.

#4) NEVER WITHHOLD SEX. Seriously. Sex is NOT a weapon. Do not use it against your spouse. That will only breed resentment and make the act much less enjoyable. It is not a bargaining tool either. Do not use it to get what you want. You are supposed to be enjoying each other and the act of sharing a physical reminder of what you feel emotionally. Do not make it into more then what it should be. Your partner will not thank you.

#5) KISS EACH OTHER SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. This means kissing each other before you leave for work, when you get home, and before bed, just to name a few. I don't mean full on, making out kisses, but simple pecks. These kisses let a person know you will miss them and that you enjoy their company. A kiss can convey many different things and should never be overlooked.

#6) NEVER MISS AN OPPORTUNITY TO SAY I LOVE YOU. It cannot be said too much. The rule in our house (and I inherited this from Grandma) NEVER LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING I LOVE YOU. It doesn't matter where you go or how long you'll be gone. Yo never know if it will be the last time, so say it. Say it when you are happy, when you are sad and most importantly, when you are pissed off at each other and the world. Say it even if you don't like your spouse at that moment. You married him/her because there is a love there. Let them know you still feel it.

#7) LAUGH WITH EACH OTHER. This one's pretty simple and shouldn't really need to be explained. Laugh a lot. Laugh at each other and with each other. Have fun with each other. It will bond you together in ways you could not imagine.

#8) NEVER BELITTLE EACH OTHER. Again, simple. Do not say disrespectful things to make the other person feel small. You respect this person and care for them. If you don't like something, tell them NICELY, but do not make fun of them. Especially in front of other people. Do not breed that resentment and anger.

#9) MAKE TIME. Find time, even if it is only 10 minutes a day and spend it together. Even if you say nothing or do nothing, it is time together. Every marriage needs that.

#10) REMIND YOURSELF WHY YOU ARE MARRIED. Last one. Think back on why you married this person in the beginning. What made you fall in love? What do you respect or admire about him/her? What do they do to make you laugh? How do they make you feel safe and content? TELL THEM. Remind them who they are to you. You will be reminded in turn and likely, fall in love again.

Thank you Grandma. You've instilled so much in me and helped me to be the person I am today. My marriage is strong and my family is happy from following these lessons. That, in turn, makes me rich.