Things I've Learned from Television
It wouldn't be called the 'boob tube' if we could find a word that rhymes with 'idiot'.
- Having to take an osteoporosis pill once a week is just way too demanding.
- All American males have sexual impotency issues.
- All American females have sexual impatience issues.
- The Constitution specifically enumerates our inalienable right to park in front of airport terminals.
- FedEx has access to better maps than the rest of us.
- If you live in a trailer park, and have a 200 lb. pet chimp, and then feed the chimp Xanax, and then invite the neighbors over, you may shortly qualify for what is known as a "Breaking Story."
- Paradoxically, the only Republican Presidential candidate who had one wife is the Mormon dude.
- Apparently, some people can't cry, and can buy a drug to make them cry. I would just recommend they try dating.
- People will hear "Free! You just pay shipping!" and still think it's free.
- Every morning, FoxNews viewers badly need hair products. The need eases around lunchtime.
- Women will jump for joy, just over cereal.
- There are teenagers who order Chinese takeout every day and have a duck paying their bills.
- The troop surge is working because there are more troops involved.
- If California had ten bucks, and 40 billion dollars, it would have ten bucks.
- White people still can't dance.
- A staggering amount of people can't open a jar without dropping it on the kitchen floor.
- Lawyers are really upset about asbestos.
- A cat, which is an animal that will eat a live rat, can be furiously picky about cat food that isn't served with a sprig of parsley.
- Gender is a choice, like picking a hat or a salad dressing.
- George Bush caused the Dust Bowl, and kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.
- Getting an American Express card will instantly give you the ability to speak foreign languages.
- More money will make national illiteracy go away.
- Less money will make international terrorism go away.
- An Australian accent will help sell any product.
- As one's management level increases, one's sense of humour decreases.
- Eggs are good for you. And bad for you. So is wine. And cinnamon. And fish. And peace.
- De-un-re-deregulating the phone company is gonna be great for us all.
- To trust the woman who wrote "It Takes A Village," it takes a Village Idiot.
- Cows are smart enough to paratroop into football stadia, but can't spell "Eat more chicken."
- Car dealers believe the Apocalypse is coming. Once a month.
Published by Barry Parham
Author of the 2009 book, "Why I Hate Straws," a collection of humor which includes the award-winning stories "Going Green, Seeing Red" and "Driving Miss Conception." In October 2010, Barry published "Sor... View profile
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