Things that Literate People Should Never Do

There are some things that you people do that just set me off. It is easier to pinpoint groups of people to hate, as opposed to individual actions, because I am an asshole, and I hate everyone. If you do or say any of the things on this list, know for certain that I am harboring a deep and vengeful hatred for you.

-People that call you when you don't want to be bothered and do the following:

You: Hey Paul, what are you up to?

Me: (Something that I'm doing or something I want you to think I'm doing)

You: Yeah.

Me: What about you?

You: Nothing.

Me: Okay...

You: (Talking to someone else)

Me: Hello? (Waiting...)

You: Bitch, bitch, bitch, more talking to other people

Seriously, I had the courtesy to answer your phone call. I do not want to talk to you, because I did not call you. Therefore, if you find it necessary to call me, I suggest you find something to talk about or hang up. Oh, what? You have the nerve to start conversations with other people in the room? I thought you called me to talk to me.

I swear to God people, I am going to hang up on you every time when you do this.

-People that say they are "random".

No, you are not "random", you're a goddamn idiot. Because your words and actions don't make sense to other people, you assume that you are "unique" and "special". Clearly, when you say something like "I wouldn't like being handicapped" out of the blue, you are not being "random," you are A.D.D. personified.

What is even worse is when one of you dummies says something akin to "Everything happens for a reason" or "I'll just follow my destiny." The same person that just told me she was "random" believes that her life is on a controlled path through a destined set of events? Fuck you and your hypocrisy.

-People that list any of the following items under "Things they like" on a Myspace or Facebook profile:

-Having fun: What? You like to have fun? I hate to have fun. Your tendency to enjoy "fun" really makes you unique. There just aren't enough people in the world who like to have fun.

-Smiling: I find it hard to believe that there are people stupid enough to claim that "smiling" is one of their favorite things to do. I'll try to thinly veil the sarcasm when I say that most of my fond memories were of me frowning and crying, not smiling, THE EXPRESSION RESERVED FOR HAPPINESS.

-Friends: Oh for God's sake. Why do you have to tell me that you like your friends? If your friends weren't friends they would be enemies, which are not friends. It is the most roundabout retarded logic in the world and you still can't grasp it. I hope you choke on a pretzel.

-God/Jesus: By writing this you are telling me one of three things;

1. That you are a prude and you are never having sex with me.

2. That you really don't believe in any religion, but chose to put this line on your Myspace to hide your whorish behavior incited by just two Mike's Hard Lemonades.

3. That you are really stupid enough to think that others would assume the opposite, and believe that you hate Jesus.

-Hanging out: This one is the creme de la creme. What the hell is "hanging out" anyway? The last time I was "hanging out" I got cited for indecent exposure at an elementary school.

-People that type like they lack a 2nd grade education.

It is one thing to abbreviate your words when typing on AIM, and it is another completely to use the wrong words and spell them like you have the reading level of a caveman. Some common and not-so-common examples:

-Arnt & Aren't (Are not)

-Your & You're (You are)

-There (location), their (possessive), theyre (they are), and (somehow) theire

-Are & Our

-Anething & Anything

-Male & Mail

Theyre arnt anething four youre ant in are malebox.

(There isn't anything for your aunt in our mailbox)

If you do not have the mental capacity to use these words properly, I do not want you anywhere within breathing distance, in fear of you spreading your retard germs all over me.

And that really grinds my gears.....