Things You Must Do Before You Get Married

I once agreed with somebody that it should be harder to get married and easier to get divorced. Funny, I was 17 and my wedding was months away when I agreed. It seems over the years, I have gone through many different opinions on marriage. I used to believe that if you can live with someone for 5 years and still get along, you have no choice but to marry that person. (One of my better ideas I must say.)

Then again, I also almost married somebody I could not even stand to be around, for reasons I can not say. (Seriously, I don't even understand!) I also discussed marrying a certain ex, with whom I truly did see a successful future (happy at least. We were both too burned out to ever succeed at anything else.) and our motive for marriage was to take advantage of the tax benefits.

Marriage should be joked about and taken less seriously. 'I do' may be the longest sentence in the English language (get it?) but it shouldn't be considered 'The End'. It is always 'The Beginning'. At the same time, marriage should be taken more seriously than it has been these last few decades. If it doesn't work out, you can still leave. Now your opinions on how solid your marriage vows are should be the first thing that you need to decide on your own, and then talk about with your significant other if marriage has been brought up.

Aside from your views on signing a pre-nup, you need to make clear your views on what marriage means to you. (HInt: If you still haven't formed your own opinion so you borrow your partner's... you're far from ready to get married!) When I did marry, I made it very clear that marriage means forever to me. I take those vows very seriously.

However, there would be three things that would void those vows and lead me to leave. If I was ever abused in any way, I would not hesitate to leave. You may wonder why anyone would marry someone who abuses them. The answer is easy. Nobody in their right mind would marry someone who abuses them. In most cases, a relationship may be wonderful, but it is important to know that marriage changes some people. Some men believe that a wife is property. Some women can suddenly become green jealousy monsters. Things change. Once you say those two words, you cross over to a side that could become a total surprise.

I also made it clear that I would not tolerate any cheating. I never have and never be will one to cheat, and married or not I will not stick around with someone who had betrayed my trust in any way, especially that way. Some people may be more willing to give a second chance. Some couples enjoy fighting just for the make up sex. I am just sharing my own standards as a guideline for getting out everything that is important to you.

And finally, I made it clear that I wanted a child. This wasn't anything that would make me get a divorce, but if he was not willing to have a child with me, I could not bring myself into a lifetime commitment. He already had two daughters, so it was his decision if he would want another child. I will say that I love my stepdaughthers very much. However, I could not have sacrificed the feeling of having my own child. I'm glad I didn't, and I am glad we covered that before we took our marital oath and committed ourselves for life.

In summary, you want to lay every single thing out on the table. You don't want to have any regrets. You don't want to walk into a lifetime... yes lifetime commitment with a blindfold on. Even the tiniest doubt in your mind should be listened to. Nobody should ever say 'What the hell, if it doesn't work, I'll just get a divorce.'

Similarly to your willingness to end a marriage, you need to discuss your individual ideas on what marriage would change for you. What marriage means to you both. Is it a religous change or a legal status? Obviously you need to discuss your individual life plans. You need to be sure you can fit things together. If he pictures you both working successful careers until retirement in Florida, and you picture leaving your job to stay home and raise some children... you need to know and work through that inconsistency before you marry.

In a way, you need to verbally encounter all these problems before they become real. What if you reach a dead point and can't pass it? It's much better to reach it in theory than to live the rest of your life unhappy about anything.

Although I mentioned earlier that marriage should be the beginning, I need to modify that phrase. It should be the beginning of a life shared together, not the beginning of a life. Never marry to avoid loneliness! I've been lonely and I can tell you it does suck, but not half as much as being 'stuck with' someone you're very unhappy with. (Fortunately, I managed to call that wedding off before it was too late.)

Maybe it's just me, but I think I can tell you why I know I married the right person. When we planned our wedding, after passing eachothers enduring tests, we did not spend a lot of money. We did not invite a lot of people. We did not make a big deal at all. We were friends, making it official. I bought a $40 prom dress, we both wore sandals (although looking back I wish I had been barefoot) and that same day we said our vows in the front yard of the judge. We were accompanied by our witnesses. It was very small and very simple.

This may not be everyone's dream wedding. You may want to spend a years salary on the rings, cake, clothes, invitations, keepsakes, etc. and that is fine. But imagine yourself with no money. If you couldn't have a wedding with someone without all those extras... you are thinking more about the wedding than the marriage and you really need to stop and think about what is going to happen afterwards.

No, not your honeymoon in the Bahamas. Your actual life and future together. You want to grow old with this person, but what will happen if 4 years down the road you realize you are married to someone you can't even get along with?

The best advice I can give is to really know what is important to you, and to encourage your partner to do the same. Rather than building yourselves up to eachother; for a change share your flaws. Discuss all those potential incompatibilities! If you occasionally go through self esteem issues... let him/her know! They need to know that they will have a spouse that needs reassuring. If they have a flirty nature... things could be even worse. The last thing you need is a jealousy issue, because that can lead into a trust issue and nothing is worse than being stuck in a lifelong committment with no trust!

Don't be scared of marriage! Just please be smart, and be realistic! It may be your happily ever after moment, but it is not just a fairy tale!