Things Not to Say at Work

Okay. It's been a week now since I started working for somebody else, and nobody's killed anybody. That's promising. In an office environment, zero fatalities is an excellent metric. It's a very good start.

In some ways, moving from one job to another can be compared to Indiana Jones, tentatively tapping his way across a bottomless abyss, one unsteady stone at a time. But it can also be viewed a learning experience, a teachable moment, like teasing a mongoose, or eating too much Mexican food. And the moment's made even more poignant if, up to now, you've been working alone, or working for yourself, or working from home, or all of the above.

Trust me.

Working from home is a wonderful thing, but it's still a very rare thing, like never losing an argument, or military intelligence. There are things about working from home that you know you'll miss. Casual Friday occurring five days a week. Ignoring emails for three days and then blaming it on your ISP. Participating in phone conferences while wearing nothing but socks and a ski mask.

And then there are things you won't realize you miss until they're gone, like naps. Taking off for the coast for four days and billing it as "geopositional research." Claiming ski masks as an itemized deduction.

Here's a free tip. Ever been sitting around at home, and you just spontaneously break out into song? Don't do that at work. For that matter, don't do that anywhere in public, especially if there are mental health professionals around.

Trust me.

So if you find yourself in a situation that requires you to actually leave your house and go work somewhere, you'll want to remember some things as a new employee, in order to maximize your enjoyment and minimize your embarrassment. For example, it's highly likely that there are going to be people around. That, I suppose, is the main thing to remember about working in public.

And, as a new employee, one of the things you'll enjoy is the "new employee" office tour, during which you will get to wind your way along many office hallways, examine many closed office doors, and possibly meet the three people who are actually at work that day, though probably not, because they're in a meeting, or at lunch, or "off-site" doing geopositional research.

But if you should chance to actually meet anyone who's on the payroll, watch your mouth. You never know who you're talking to, especially when you're the new guy.

Shortly, we'll offer a helpful quiz, to better prepare you for the intricate interplay that is inter-office communication. But first, and all for your benefit, we've put together a little list of things you should just not ever say at the office. Ever. Period. Just don't. Ever.

Trust me.

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The Little List:

• Who was that clown?
• Don't you people ever cuss?
• I haven't laughed that hard since Grandma died.
• Is it just me, or is the President an idiot?
• What's your extension? No, wait. Let me guess. 666.
• I never see you doin' much work. How much they pay you?
• You work for that clown?
• What are you, nuts? It's nearly 2:30! No way I'm starting anything new today.
• That was a fairly stupid email you just sent.
• You don't think anybody'll notice if I pocket a few office supplies, do ya?
• No sweat. If you bend it twice, the time card's unreadable, anyway.
• So, you like "dead cat" jokes?
• Can you imagine anybody dating that clown?
• Aw, shoot. I didn't know it was "Wear a Stupid Tie" day!
• Sorry I'm late. I ran over another dog.
• Oh, go get bent! Who do you think you are, the owner's daughter?

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The Helpful Quiz:

While being introduced to a female coworker, you notice framed pictures of children in her office. What is your optimal comment?

1) Who's that? Your grandkids?
2) You know, that's nothing a little orthodonture couldn't fix.
3) Can I use your phone? That kid on the right, I saw on a milk carton.

While being introduced to a male coworker, you notice framed pictures of children in his office. What is your optimal comment?

1) That your daughter? Man, she's hot.
2) Nice-lookin' kids. Any idea who the mother is?
3) I'm confused. Bob Roberts in Marketing said you were gay.

As a sales professional, you've been asked to advise on a "delicate" inventory transaction, which may present global implications to the company, both financially and legally. What is your optimal advice?

1) I've hit this month's quota. I don't care if it sells or not.
2) Okay, look heah. Find out what Senator's on the oversight committee. Contact Tito and The Fat Man. Bill it to petty cash. Call the Senator. Use a pay phone. Capiche?
3) Oh, please. What are the chances we'll get audited two years running?

You've just been given a tour of the company's public-facing website. All you could think of was a severe bullet train accident. It looked like the battle of Shiloh. The thing had more typos than Paris Hilton's ninth-grade term paper. What is your optimal analysis?

1) Stop it. Your cousin's nephew did all this, for free? Get out. Really? You could've knocked me over with a feather.
2) I'm not one to quibble, but nobody's used "Ye Olde Presse Release" in quite some time.
3) Love the spinning black-and-purple logo. Got any Velour fonts?

As you're being introduced to a female coworker, you notice that she's ... well ... let's say, dressed comfortably. What's your optimal convivial observation?

1) So when you due, Freida Fertility?
2) Whoa! Bob Roberts in Marketing was right! I bet you'd bring an all-you-can-eat buffet to its knees, eh?
3) Are you the entire group insurance policy?

During your initial meeting with the company's Board Chairman, it quickly becomes apparent that Captain Nepotism here is about two genes shy of having webbed feet ... eventually. What is your optimal greeting?

1) I'm very much looking forward to working here, sir. Can I get you anything? Drool bib? A "Flintstones" lexicon? Krill?
2) That's a bold choice, sir. Not everyone will eat the colored chalk.
3) I love your nails, and I want to have your children. Sign this.

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Well, I hope this little primer helps prep you for a good start in the corporate environment. I'm sure you'll fit right in! Be smart. Be subtle. Retain all your receipts. Keep moderately clean. And remember ... when all else fails ... be honest. Honesty is the best policy, and the most certain key to your success.

Because once you can fake honesty, you're home free.

Trust me.