Things That'll Drive You Nuts in Restaurants

Ahhh, food how it tempts us all. So many delicacies to try, so many dishes to consume. Everybody has his or her own favorite food. From Chinese to Italian from Vietnamese to (horror of horror) English food every palette can be catered for. Most people will have that oh so special favorite restaurant &/Or Diner which serves their favorite dishes just so! With luck you'll have eating houses that are clean, efficient and happy to serve you, perhaps accompanied with a 'Cheers' like 'Norm!' greeting. Now of course the eating experience isn't always so pleasant. Here are some of my peeves about restaurants/diners and the like.

1: Being dragged to someone else's idea of a fabulous restaurant only to find that they only serve 'Seafood' which, it turns out makes you violently ill and gives you stomach cramps for the following 4 days. After the fourth day of these regurgitative Olympics you (& your stomach) vow never to eat with this person again.

2: Sitting at restaurant tables with those fierce halogen bulbs blasting blinding white light and heat down upon the sweaty diners below. Do not under any circumstances bring a date to a restaurant with lighting like this unless you both want to see just how bad you're both going to look a decade from now. It'll age you 10 years at least and when you've just turned 40 you really don't want that added dose of depression. You'll think twice before returning to another restaurant with these eye-piercing, zit identifying, crows-feet amplifying light blazing upon you and your loved one.

3: Receiving a well done, just cooked to perfection dish on a stone-cold plate. Why do some restaurants do this? It ruins the meal with the top side being hot and tasty and the underside being cold and clammy. I sometimes think restaurants do this so you'll rush to eat your food and leave the premises ASAP before your food goes totally cold and so that they can get new clients in. Whenever I have this experience I make a point never go back. In fact the last place that did this to me happily closed its doors recently. That'll teach em'.

4: Being with a group of people who insist on messing with your food choice. I've come to Chinese restaurant intent on getting Crispy Duck and instead get cajoled into some weird Poo Poo platter which turns out to be about as tasty as well...Poo Poo!

5: Being in a crowded table where one or more of the group continually complains about the entrée they've just been served. Now personally speaking, I don't care if the chef or cook spits in your food or pulls his pants down to relieve himself in your soufflé but now I've been bunched together with this annoying girl's/guy's at table number 6. and I too may suffer the phlegmmy wrath of the cook of the night.

6: Waiting and waiting and waiting for the Goddamn check! Don't you hate it when the waiter is speedier than a mouse called 'Gonzalez' when it comes to getting your main meal, appetizers, drinks and after-dinner snacks but then takes FOR EVER to come to you with the Bill. Being fairly shy in nature I've really had to come out of my shell and demand the stupid thing.

7: This next one used to apply back in the days when restaurants laughably had 'Smoking' and 'Non-Smoking' sections. The Smoking section was sometimes situated on a platform 2 foot above the main floor in the hopes I suppose that smoke only travels one way and doesn't waft around the room and up everyone's respective noses. My wife is akin to a Bloodhound in this respect in that she can detect if someone's been smoking outside and just come in, never mind that they might be actually smoking in the same room. Thankfully the laws have changed and in most civilized parts of the world smoking has been banned from Restaurants, Diners and even Pubs. It's a beautiful thing.

8: The table with the wobbly leg. Why am I always seated at the precariously tilted table with the one leg that's an inch shorter than the rest then spend the rest of my meal trying to stop my food and drink from sliding off the table.

9: Being seated 12 inches from the delights of the only toilet in the restaurant. Yes, you too can listen to the flush of faeces and the washing of soiled hands whilst you tuck into your favorite meal. Yummy.

10: Being subjected to the dubious musical tastes of the hearing-impaired management. Whatever music they're playing it's much more relaxing if it's kept at a softer less obtrusive level. I'm not here to attend an AC/DC concert thank you. I just want to relax and enjoy my meal.

11: The annoying family of 16. Well, a slight exaggeration but don't you hate it when you've finally been seated after waiting 40 minutes at a cozy little table off to the side only to have your tranquility destroyed by the arrival on the very next table of the Swiss Family Robinson and their noisy brood. If you're meal hasn't yet started I'd recommend you go grab yourself a less annoying table, even if it is the wobbly one from No.8.

12: Ordering Tea and being given in return a cold paper-cup with hot water and a T-Bag. Hey, why not go the whole hog and give me my entrée in a foil bag and sit a microwave at each table, then I could make my own dinner too. I never order Tea from anywhere because I'm sorry this is just not how tea is done. First off it's being served in a paper/foamy cup which is about the worst thing to serve any hot liquid in. Secondly, why do they always fill it to the absolute brim leaving you little or no room to place the tea-bag in (never mind milk) to let it brew. Thirdly you just cannot brew tea in a cold cup with hot water from a probably unfiltered tap with little plastic stirrers. Making a good cup of tea takes as much time and effort as a good cappuccino or latte, but that's another story. I'm British by the way, hence my abhorrence of this effrontery to centuries of Colonial tea-making.

13: This is my Pet-Peeve for almost all occasions but especially at Restaurants. Cell-Phones! There, I've said it. Do you really need to bring your cell-phone to a restaurant or at least if you do, turn the f***ing thing off. I have mentioned in other articles that the best way to deal with people with cell-phones who insist on talking in enclosed public spaces is to beat them violently and repeatedly until nicely-senseless, preferably with the cell phone they are using. But what if there's an emergency I hear you cry. Well, I respond the only emergency will be me beating you about the bloodied stump you once called a face with your fancy new Cell Phone. Being English I will of course extend you the courtesy of calling for an ambulance after your bludgeoning.

Fortunately enough I think most of us are able to find eating establishments that cater pretty well to our needs without annoying us too much, but on occasion you and I both know that at least once in a while one of the above horror's will occur. Take heart my culinary brethren. It's all part of this rich tapestry called Life.