This is Who I Am

I can't speak for every woman in her 40's, but for me personally my perspective on a lot of things has changed over the past few years. What used to be important no longer is, and what used to be my goals just seem silly at this stage of my life. I see the world differently now, and I like it. It's not as scary a place as it used to be.

The changes in my opinions and attitude that I've noticed are difficult to summarize completely, but here are the most obvious ones:

1.) No more hair dye

When I was a teenager I would go to the salon and get henna treatments for my hair because it made me look like I had been out in the sun all summer. Then the salons stopped offering henna treatments so I just let my hair go natural. This "natural" phase continued until one day when I was in my very early 20's I had a family member tell me my natural hair color was "mousey," which caused me to start coloring my hair religiously for the next 15 years -- whatever shade you can imagine, I tried it.

Then when I turned 35 I started to notice some grey hairs peeking through in-between hair color treatments, which caused me to continue coloring my hair religiously for the next five years. All of this hair dye was used to "correct" what others saw -- or I presumed others saw -- as flaws in my appearance.

Now I'm 40 and I'm beginning to wonder: Why am I trying so hard to cover up what I've earned over the past four decades? Every white hair on my head is a testament to the fact that I'm still here despite all that life has thrown at me, and in celebration of all the wonderful times I've had. Each white hair is representative of a chapter in my life, and all those pages are worth reading. And besides, mice are cute -- what's wrong with "mousey"?

2.) No more corporate ladders

I am so done with climbing the corporate ladder. I've climbed so many corporate ladders in my 27 years of working experience -- only to either fall off, get pushed off, or to have the building give-way half way up. I'll now happily hold the ladder steady for some over-zealous young person, as opposed to climbing it myself. They can have at it, and more power to them.

It's not that I no longer have goals, it's just that my goals are more in-tune now with what's important to me instead of what society says should be important to me. It's taken a long time to figure out what's important to me, since when you're young people always try to push their goals onto you instead of helping you to find your own way. In my opinion, getting to the top of the corporate ladder is a Pyrrhic victory because you lose yourself in the process.

3.) No more ban on chocolate

Ok, I'm not saying you should have chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner (although that does sound good), but we do need to allow ourselves to embrace what we love. I'm downright sick and tired of having every waking moment concerned with how much I weigh. When I'm on my death-bed and look back on my life, is my struggle with food going to be the leitmotif? I surely hope not.

Donuts will still be considered evil, as will ice cream, chocolate cake and cookies, but there's nothing wrong with some pure chocolate once in a while. I will strive to eat "normal" amounts of chocolate, and I will choose the healthier varieties (60% cocoa is fine), and I will enjoy the natural high that it gives me. I'm done with completely denying myself the things I love.

4.) No more slave to fashion

Just as very often a young person's self-worth is tied to which rung they're at on the corporate ladder, so too are many young people (usually women, though men are not immune) comparing themselves to each other based on how urbane they look. Are you wearing last season's clothes or are you in-touch with the latest trends? Do you shop at all the designer stores? Are all your clothes name brands? Do you have the latest designer handbags? Are you wearing the right makeup, and do you have the latest hairstyle? What about your shoes -- are they expensive and stylish? Do you have a fancy jacket for every occasion? What about your jewelry and other accessories?

Keeping up with high fashion is expensive and tiring -- money and effort I'd much rather invest in things that are actually important in life. Don't get scared; I'm not ready to move to polyester just yet, but comfort and economy is more important to me now than wearing the latest fashion trend.

5.) No more cooking

When you've got little ones in the house you don't have much choice but to feed them at the approximate rate of every five seconds, but once the kids get older and start to be more independent and self-sufficient, they can make their own meals more often and you can start to cook less. Not only are you freeing up your own time, but you're teaching them a valuable skill (how to feed themselves) that will carry them through life.

If I had all the money in the world I would happily eat out at every meal, being waited on, served, and attended to. No grocery shopping is required, and neither is cleaning up afterwards -- what could be better? Alas, though, I am not wealthy so instead I just cook for myself and let the chips fall where they may. If the rest of you are hungry, there's the kitchen -- go make yourself something.

In essence, I'm relaxing from all the anxieties of my youth. I used to see it as older people somehow giving up, but I think it's more about embracing who we are, enjoying life more, and worrying less. This is what I want the next decades of my life to be about: enjoyment. I don't want my life to be about getting approbation from anyone other than myself, because it's my opinion that's most important to me, as it always should be. I want the next chapter of my life to be ruled by strength of character and equanimity.

Wish me luck.