This Just In: The Guy that Outed Lance Bass is a Doo-doo Poo-poo Head !

Recently, Lance Bass came out as being gay, something well known to his friends, but kept from the public. The reason? A militant gay columnist who thinks everyone should know everyone else's sexual preferences launched an attack aimed at forcing Lance Bass out of the closest. (Any questions on my bias in this article?)

In an interview, the disgusting waste of human skin (who will remain NAMELESS in this article as a way of protesting the fact that all he was really trying to do was make a name for himself) essentially said that since this is 2006, that there is no shame in being gay and that Lance Bass's sexual preference is news. Coming from a gay man, that was one of the most naive things I have heard in a long time.

Firstly, just because there is no shame in being gay in 2006 doesn't mean that knowledge of the sexual preference of Lance Bass or any other celebrity is anybody's business, or that it won't affect record sales. The reality is that gay people who make their sexual preference the focus of their lives, are a blight on human existence. For all of the pride parades and talk of equality and living without shame, it's ridiculous that in 2006 a gay man would choose to spotlight Lance Bass's sexual preference rather than to simply assume it as one of the options available in life. In reality, the goal for true intellectuals who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transsexual is to meld into the society, not stand out from it.

While some would argue that Lance Bass's sexual preference is news on the basis of his celebrity, the fact is that this IS INDEED 2006, and as such, Lance Bass's sexual preference (or anybody's sexual preference for that matter) should be of no more interest to society than whether Lance Bass prefers broccoli or cauliflower. Let me be clear. THE SEXUAL PREFERENCE OF LANCE BASS IS NOT A BIG DEAL UNLESS SOMEONE MAKES IT A BIG DEAL!

In my opinion, (which to those who know me best understand, is a phrase I use to mock humility, which I clearly lack. "In my opinion" should be read as "The fact is") If it's news that Lance Bass is gay, then it's news that Justin Timberlake is straight! Yeah… I know. Wait 'till someone outs him as a white man who acts black. (Here come the e-mails calling me a racist for daring to suggest that our culture contains any identifiable diversity)

In any case, if its news that Lance Bass is gay, on the basis of public persona, then I say, on the basis that the tiny minded little jerk that outed him ….(You know, the guy with the intellect of a grape and the social consciousness of a bulldozer) is now a public spectacle in his own right, that it's important that I out him as a doo-doo poo-poo head. I can see the "People Magazine" cover now…. His picture and the words "I'm a doo-doo poo-poo head". (paying homage to this week's "People" cover with Lance Bass proudly declaring "I'm Gay") In any case let me put out a public service request to Lance Bass and the other members of his boy band: I could give a crap who you want to sleep with. Just promise me you kids won't put out any more music!