This is Why Soccer Stinks

I know the world will hate me for this statement, but let's face it: soccer sucks. That is my complete, comprehensive assessment of this so-called sport after suffering through several viewings of the latest World Cup.

Admittedly, I did not watch these games with an open mind, for my consternation with soccer began at an early age. As a youngster, I found myself wondering what moron had the idea of creating a so-called sport in which none of the players, other than the goalkeeper, may use their hands. Forty years later, I'm equally baffled as to why anyone would want to watch people play a team sport that forbids use of man's most useful body part. Call me old-fashioned, but in any sport involving a ball, hand-eye coordination should be a basic component.

It is because of this fundamental flaw that the game yields so pathetically little in the way of scoring. In my lifetime, I have suffered the misfortune of watching perhaps six hours of soccer, when absolutely nothing, other than golf, could be found on the television. In those six hours, I've seen perhaps three goals. This pathetic ratio is apparently typical given the dreadful scores that I see. Just look at the games that end with 1-0 scores. Such was the case with what headlines described as the "thrilling" World Cup championship game. My favorite is the 0-0 final, as we saw shortly before the title game when international powerhouses Brazil and Portugal squared off. Are you serious? Ninety minutes of world class "action" ends in a scoreless tie? And people find this entertaining?

I also love the number of games that end on the basis of a penalty kick. Yeah, boy, that's real excitement there. Kind of like watching an otherwise scoreless basketball game decided by a single free throw. And it says it all that a 3-0 score is considered a "blowout" in the world of soccer.

But it's not just the lack of scoring that makes soccer so painful to watch. It is everything that occurs in place of scoring. Here is the typical sequence: two or three guys boot the ball pointlessly back and forth around midfield for a minute or so. Eventually, the ball finds its way beyond midfield. Then, just as the goal enters the picture, an opposing player gets his foot on the ball, sending it back to midfield for more pointless kicking. The closest thing to excitement occurs on a breakout where two or three guys actually run, with apparent purpose, while kicking the ball. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, this comes to an abrupt, anticlimactic end when the goalie smothers the ball in a fetal position, or another defender simply boots the ball back to midfield where the utterly boring cycle resumes.

There may well be, but I personally can see no evidence of strategy at work in this game. The closest thing to it occurs on a corner kick, when the ball is booted somewhere close enough to the goal that a teammate can kick or head it home. Beyond this, it's mostly a boringly redundant style in which offensive players try, unsuccessfully, to beat the opponents downfield. And even this basic strategy is made all the more impossible to execute by the stupid off-sides rule. Why on earth a team should be penalized for beating the defense down the field is beyond me.

And for those who defend the game, yes, I'm sure it takes tremendous stamina. No doubt the players run a lot. But for what purpose? If I want to see lots and lots of pointless running, I will watch a marathon, a riot, or a beheaded chicken. And, yes, soccer players can kick the ball and control it with their feet infinitely better than I can. But who cares? Any collegiate or professional basketball player can dribble a basketball far better than I, but unless the thing goes through a net periodically I could not care less.

The bottom line is that soccer is a mind-numbingly boring game. Granted, female fans from foreign countries seem to enjoy exposing their breasts in the stands for some reason, and I can appreciate that. But aside from this rarity, I can think of no redeeming value - not one - for this sorry excuse for sport.