This Woman's Story: The End of One Life...The Start of Another

As I approach my 46th birthday in little over a week, I look back and begin to reflect on many of the decisions I've made, and how they now impact my life.

One of these was the decision to not have children.

Before I go further, I know modern medical advances have made it possible to give birth into my 50's or even 60's if I chose to. And for those women who have done so - kudos. But I would rather not tamper with the natural order of things. I believe that God destined that I not bare child and accept this cross gladly.

When I reflect upon my life, I see a life full of struggle, frustration and plenty of bad choices. Choices that would have impacted greatly on the life of any child in my care. No child should suffer like that.

I lived a life of reckless abandon; never caring for anyone but myself. It was all about ME! How long could I stay out. How much alcohol could I consume before passing out. How many men could I sleep with without falling for any of them.

All about me.

I barely had a job, and when I did work, it often wasn't for long before I'd get fired or laid off. I spent more time at the unemployment and public aid offices then anywhere else. As long as I could get enough money to party with, I didn't care about much else.

I lived with family so I really didn't have to pay much in rent. When I felt like it, I'd 'kick in' for a utility bill, groceries or some small thing. The rest though, was mine. Mine to go clubbing, buy clothes, get drunk, or whatever the day would call for. Mine to simply squander because I could.

If there had been a child in my life, I could not have done any of these things. Whatever money would come my way would have had to provide for us both. Housing, food, necessities with very few luxuries - if any at all.

I realized that children need things, but more importantly, they need love. Lots of love.

Love to help them grow, to help them develop their personalities and identities. Along with the love is time. Raising children takes much time! It's a 24/7 J-O-B!

When first born, they rely on you for EVERYTHING. You have to feed them, clean them and clean up after them. You have to change their diapers and make sure their healthy. Children do get sick quick, especially as infants when their immune systems are still developing. You have to be sure where and the way they sleep is safe. No objects that could strangle them, or be ingested that they could choke on.

As they grow, your time spent with them and on them grows too.

You're constantly chasing them as they learn to walk. You try to stay one step ahead, but they usually win in the end. By the time you think you know what they'll do next, they do something else entirely.

Then comes the school years...always on the go.

Class trips, school plays, games, PTA and school board meetings. Not to mention the dreaded parent-teacher conferences. Your time is not your own - it belongs to your child.

So does your money.

That darling little dress you saw in your favorite store window. You know the one you haven't been inside since before you got pregnant? Yeah, that one. Anyway...you can't buy it because your child needs braces, or a new pair of glasses. The sweet sports car will be replaced with a minivan or economy car.

And you can forget the vacation in Maui or Cancun...graduation, prom and other great milestones will be celebrated instead.

As they should be.

Every child deserves to have a life better than Mom and Dad. They should be able to do more, see more, be more than the parents ever could.

But it all starts with the parent or parents.

I was not willing to give up my life for some kid, even if it was mine.

So, I never had a child.

That's not to say I never had sex, I just never got "caught".

Now, here I am ten days away from 46. I never married - been engaged four times and dropped three of them. The fourth went away and never returned. And I never had a child.

What's worse...I am surrounded by females who did. Some as recently as two months ago.

All these children. None of them mine.

There will be no little me to look after. No mini-me to watch grow up. No dreams waiting to be fulfilled. No accomplishments to achieve.

I'll never watch her as she gets ready for her first date or watch him as he scores the winning touchdown at his college game.

There will also be no one to take care of me as I grow older, or to see to my final needs.

But don't feel sorry for me. It wasn't meant for me to be a mom. I accept that.

I am thankful to God that he chose that for me...I might've screwed up had I had it my way.

Worse yet, I would have probably screwed up that child even more.

I feel sorry for those children whose parents didn't think before they created the life or lives they are responsible for...for the rest of their lives.

Once a child is born...you will always be responsible for it. Even well after it's an adult.

You worry when they're out late. Who they're with. Too much hassle.

Thank you God for letting me be single with no children. Especially the "no children" part. Maybe, just maybe you can work on a husband at least?

Just your child asking...