Those Damn Illegal Aliens!

What started this whole diatribe you are about to read is that during an interview at a government office today I was asked if I was an illegal alien. I had to pause and give that thought for a moment, and to give you some insight as to how my mind works I was thinking "as in UFOs and extra-terrestrials" while the interviewer was probably thinking "as in over the border through a hole in the fence".

The question gave me pause because there are lots of theories as to how we all came to be here and to be honest I wasn't sure exactly how to answer that question. I mean it is possible, (some would say probable), that some if not all of my ancestors may have been from another planet or even another system entirely and the truth is I don't know if they arrived here before or after there were laws against that sort of thing.

Having said that though, aren't laws made to be broken? I've heard that so often throughout my lifetime that I believe there might be some truth to it. I'm sure the early European immigrants who allegedly "settled" this country failed to take into consideration the various and existing laws regarding immigration that the so called natives had in place at the time. You say there were no laws against illegal immigration back then? Oh Yeah? Then why were there separate tribes? Why weren't we all co-mingled? Why don't we all look the same? Why aren't we all one big happy family of Earthlings dancing in circles, holding hands, and singing "We are stardust"? Go ahead smarty pants just try and answer those questions. I dare you.

And now that I think about it just who the heck are those "natives" anyway. didn't they come from somewhere else too? You don't expect me to believe that one day there was nothing but a bunch of fish, salamanders, and monkeys and then the next day they all transmogrified into Americans through osmosis as my mom would say, do you? I will concede that there are just enough Americans who resemble those various species to get me hung up on reconsidering that statement. After all where else would we get names like fish face, lizard lips and monkey butt etc. Hmmmmm............

But I digress. The more I got to thinking about this supposed immigration problem the more I came to realize that something is grossly amiss here. For the life of me I can't figure out what all the uproar and brouhaha is all about. Most of the complaints you hear are about the folks from south of the border while little or nothing is said about those pesky Canadians. To me this is a much more serious problem. Have you ever met anyone from Canada? Those people are weird, Eh? Meanwhile most of the south of the border folks are pretty laid back and for the most part just come over here to do the jobs that most Americans consider menial tasks.

It's our own damn fault. If we'd just quit whining, get up off our fat lazy butts and just go out there and do a really good job for once we wouldn't have to rely on foreign labor. Since that is about as likely as Michael Richards being hired back at the Comedy Store it set me to ruminating on and trying to come up with some solutions to the situation.

Now don't get me wrong, I like America just fine, But have any of you folks ever been down to Mexico or South America? I have and I'm thinking they've got a pretty nice place down there. We're talking tropical rain forests, pristine beaches, bikini clad chiquitas in the middle of December, no appreciable winters to speak of, siestas, bananas, coconuts, tequila, and lots of ice cold cerveza. What have we got? Hamburgers? Whiskey? Snow? Visualize this author comparing
apples to oranges and you get the picture I hope.

I think I've got an idea brewing. Here's what we do. Let all of them south of the border foreigners that want to - just immigrate right on over here. Since their country is already sparsely populated it won't be long till they're pretty much all here. As soon as that happens we can mosey on down there and just take over the country. With our money and American know how we can have the place fixed up to our liking in no time.We won't have to live next to the Canadians anymore and when Al Qaeda comes looking to blow up America we'll just send them north.

This doesn't have to be a long term deal either. The way I see it about the time we get the place fixed up the original south of the border aliens will be sneaking back over the border to once again do our menial tasks. Once they see how nice the place is it won't be long till they'll be wanting their country back only this time they'll have learned from experience that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the fence and they'll be less apt to want to leave in the future.

We could even award the remodeling contract to Haliburton and when the natives come wanting their country back we can charge them a nice tidy profit for the improvements. This way we'll get some of the money back we originally paid them to do our menial tasks. Everybody's a winner in this scenario!

In fact I think I'm going to fire off a letter to Bush and Cheney right now and in it I'm going to suggest that they go on ahead of us and get everything started. See there's another win/win idea. We'll be rid of those guys for awhile too. Everybody comes out ahead. My genius astounds me sometimes. Okay, so there you have it. Now that I've all but given you the basics for solving the illegal immigration problem I'm going back to my siesta. Oh, and if anybody has an extra bikini clad chiquita with some ice cold cerveza and a couple of coconuts please wake me up.