Thoughts on the GOP Debate in Ames, Iowa

Last night, 823 candidates for the GOP field assembled in Ames, Iowa to be George Foreman grilled by a panel of conservative "journalists". In what at times felt like a WWE event, only more scripted and with a stupider audience, Michele "Wild Eyes" Bachmann, Newt "Staff of 1" Gingrich, Mitt "Robot" Romney, John "Who?" Huntsman, Tim "Eeyore" Pawlenty, Herman "Pizza Nut" Cain, Ron "Galt" Paul, and Rick "Google It" Santorum squared off against each other, and more importantly, President Barack Obamacare. What follows are my random thoughts about the event.

The debate set looked the world's largest Jeopardy game. The answer to the Final Jeopardy question apparently was "This is the best the GOP has to offer?"

This may be the first debate where there was an overflow room for candidates. There are more candidates in the GOP race than Newt Gingrich has staff.

Fox News told the candidates their time was up by ringing a bell they bought at a bicycle repair shop. I was hoping for shock collars.

Mitt Romney and John Huntsman were both channeling Paulie Walnuts from The Sopranos with their tastefully fake grey hair.

John Huntsman reminded me a bit of 70's showman John Davidson. A little too much tan with a strange combination of masculinity, wimpiness, sincerity and sleaziness. I was waiting for him to break out in song. Look for Christopher McDonald to play him in the movie.

Newt Gingrich did his best Sarah Palin impersonation by claiming every question, including asking him how he's doing, was a "gotcha" question. At times, the exchanges were so heated, it seemed like Newt thought the moderators were seriously ill ex-wives. Note to Newt. When you're worried about Fox News' questions being "gotcha" questions it's time to drop out.

Michele Bachmann proved she's not Sarah Palin by actually preparing for the debate. Unfortunately, it appeared she prepared for a debate to become the President of Minnesota as she traded barbs with Tim Pawlenty, whose response from the crowd was so muted, it was like he was on a Jim Belushi sitcom.

Bachmann did look pretty good last night. It's rumored that Newt Gingrich offered to help her bone up on patriotism later in the night.

Bachmann continued her assertion that the US should have been allowed to default on its debt. After all, she hasn't paid her optometrist in years, and she's suffered no ill consequences.

Bachmann was careful to say she was for defining marriage as between a man and a woman and not to say she was against gay marriage. Primarily because she's in one.

Michele Bachmann stated last night that she had information that she can't share because it's classified. Does she really have access to classified info, or do her colleagues just make stuff up and snicker behind her back when she believes it?

At one point, the debate came back from commercial and Bachmann was not on the dais. She was in the back getting the Clockwork Orange treatment on her eyes.

Bachmann admitted last night, in her most shocking exchange, that she was pro-choice. In a blow to avid pro-Compact Florescent Light supporters, Bachmann came out in favor of a woman's right to buy any light bulb she pleases.

John Huntsman broke with the pack to say he is for civil unions. And that he hopes one of them will consider him for VP.

People love Ron Paul because he is passionate, typically unwavering, and he'll say anything because he knows that he's got a snowball's chance on 2070 Earth of winning. As I watched Ron Paul last night, there were times when I thought he was spot on with his answers. And other times when I thought that Ron Paul was a bit like your favorite uncle who came back from Vietnam with a plate in his head.

Rick Santorum said that if we cannot have the death penalty for rapists, then their victims shouldn't be allowed to abort any resulting pregnancy. No attempt at a joke here, except to say that Rick Santorum has now managed to become more disgusting than Savage Love's definition of him at spreadingsantorum.com .

Sarah Palin made her most intelligent statement last night by not showing up and keeping her mouth shut.

Texas Governor Rick Perry was not there, but the other candidates praised him for his hard work in putting Texans back to work at fast food restaurants throughout the state.

Speaking of jobs, all said the secret to getting people back to work was deregulation and lowering taxes on corporations. No word yet on if this means allowing banks to loan money to domesticated animals and robots that can sign their names or possibly extending the earned income credit to GE.

Mitt Romney looks like if you strapped some bolts to his neck, he and Paul Ryan could star in a remake of the Munsters. Mitt continued to hammer home his campaign theme of "I'm not Mitt Romney" last night as he backed away from every stance he's ever held in his life. My understanding is that Mitt's not welcome in Myrtle Beach, SC because he's stolen all the flip-flops.

Finally, Herman Cain continued to impress by touting his credentials as CEO of a pizza place I thought had gone out of business years ago. Cain defended his previous statements about Sharia Law, saying it had no place in US law. He went on to say that Murphy's Law and the law of gravity have no place either. But Cain summed up my view of the GOP candidates best last night when he made this statement, "America has got to learn to take a joke."