Three Elements Strong Families Have in Common

With all the talk in recent years of "family values" and "traditional families" - it can make a person wonder what, in fact, does make a strong and resilient family? According to the experts it isn't about how many people or what the gender or age configuration of the family dynamics, or even whether there are one or two parents in the home. What the experts do suggest, however, are some key factors that strong, resilient families have in common:

1. Genuine Love and Support - the members of strong families know that they are loved unconditionally and that regardless of what mistakes and mishaps might befall them, they have the support and encouragement of parents, siblings and extended family. Even for children who's parents may have divorced, knowing that both parents are involved and supportive is important. It is the genuine and unconditional love that carries people through and helps to keep connections strong - even during the difficult times.

2. Boundaries and Security - Strong families have established rules and boundaries - there need not be many, but the fact that the rules and expectations are consistent, as are the consequences for going beyond those boundaries and rules is the key. This is often mistook to think that things should be rigid and inflexible. In a family who values education, there need not be pressure for everyone to make straight A's - but the expectation may be that people attend school, participate and do their best. Consequences for poor attendance or performance need not be severe, but should reflect the family's values and be, above-all, consistent. Security is another often misunderstood strength. This doesn't mean a lot of money or a stay-at-home-mom baking cookies. What it does mean is that family members can depend on one another and the fact that basic needs will be provided.

3. Connection to Family, Friends and Community - strong families include those who don't live within the nuclear family home. Feeling connected, loved, appreciated and valued by extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.) and by trusted family friends help to build a strong self-image and a connectedness to a larger community. This doesn't mean that if a family doesn't mimic the fictional TV family, The Walton's, they are failing at being connected. The important thing is to extend and involve others in the lives of family members. For kids, feeling loved unconditionally and "relating" to other adults in a healthy way, gives them confidence and security. Kids learn how to form lasting relationships with a variety of people who may be different, live different lives or lifestyles and are of various ages, backgrounds, etc.

As you can see, building a strong family need not be about external factors or trying to be "perfect" in comparison to an ideal image. It is really more about focusing on caring personal relationships and a strong, secure unit connecting with the larger community and world.