Three Hours I'll Never Get Back: Oscars 2011

I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start by thanking any of my Twitter followers who followed my live-stream of tweets last night. I hope I was at least 50/50 annoying and entertaining. I really did try to tweet the good and the bad from last night's 83rd Academy Awards ceremony. The problem is that there really weren't a lot of great things to tweet about.

Let's start with the hosts, James Franco and Anne Hathaway. Can you say "Trying too hard?" That's how I'd describe Hathaway's turn as host. I think she had no choice though, because Franco left her twisting in the wind. I don't know if he's just super-smart and played some kind of trick on us all, but I was torn between believing he was either stoned out of his ghourd or he'd just completely given up shortly before walking out.

Because of Franco's Houdini routine, Hathaway was left to cover up awkward silences with guffaws that sounded faker than the orgasms being filmed a few miles away in the valley at the latest Vivid shoot. Her wardrobe changes were completely unnecessary, but her brief moments of just "enjoying" the gig were actually a joy to see. When she twirled the tassels on her dress I thought it was the most "real" she had seemed all night.

I will say though that the green-screen bit they did in the beginning wherein Hathaway and Franco went on a journey through most of the films nominated for Best Picture was pretty great. No matte-lines, no obvious clues that they were just "dropped" into the scenes. The bit actually gave me hope that this really was going to be an entertaining night. Boy was I wrong.

What I'm going to say next may offend a lot of people, but I have to be honest in my observation: The decision to trot Kirk Douglas out there was a bad, bad decision. If they were going to make that move they should have sent him out there with someone who could at least push the segment along a bit. It was excruciating to watch Douglas out there without a net.

He had a couple of great lines, but for the most part the whole moment left me wishing they'd just cut to him sitting in the audience rather than have him present an award all by himself. His recovery has been miraculous, to be sure, and I'm thrilled for him and his family; he's an icon of the industry. Just please, don't do that ever again.

James' Quick Takes:

-Melissa DeLeo's "F***" word use? Lame. Contrived. And this is coming from someone who is literally in romantic love with the F-word

-Robert Downey Jr.: Thanks for making Gervais look like a jerk at the Globes and then at the Oscars letting the same kind of joke go through out of Jude Law...why wasn't it mean-spirited when Law said it, Robert.

-Gwynneth: Don't ever do that again. Ever.

-Billy Crystal: Looks good, but still has a layer of smarm on him that makes me vomitous

-They totally cheated the winners of the lifetime acheivement award out of their moment in the sun. Lame.

-Natalie Portman: Still Hot

So really my biggest complaint about last night is that they tried to drill home the idea that it was supposed to be young, hip and fresh. But there was nothing to hold your attention for more than a moment or two. The whole night felt forced. From start to finish the vibe was "Hey, watch us try really hard to be cool and fun and hip!" And it feel completely flat at least 85% of the time.

Thanks Hollywood, next year let's try to learn from our mistakes and get a host or hosting team that can be entertaining without looking like their lives depend on convincing you that you're having a good time.