Three Men that You Should Never Date

Recently I was looking through MSN when I noticed an article that talked about the five men and women that you should date. The article itself was fine, but not exactly what I would call funny. So I decided to write my own. Let me introduce you to the three men that you should never date.

The extremely sensitive Mama's boy

When you first meet him you will realize you both have something in common. You both love your mom's a lot.

You won't really know how much he loves his mom until you start hanging around his house a little more. You may start seeing a lot of hugging and cheek kissing going on between them. You may also start seeing his mom smoothing down your boyfriend's hair or wiping off smudges from his face.

It seems kind of sweet, in an awkward sort of way. Then you may one day make the mistake of asking him to do something for you that will take him more than 30 miles away from his mother, such as a friend's birthday party, or meeting your family.

Please be advised that the actual moms of mama's boys will rip apart anything that comes between them and their "little man." After being berated by "mama," you will go to you boyfriend, hoping for a little sympathy.

What you will get may make you mad, but she shouldn't be surprising. He will always defend his mom. No matter what she says, does, or how she makes you feel. Then if you try to stand up for yourself, he will start crying like a 3-year old, and run out of the room.

The lesson to be learned from this experience is that even though he thinks his mom is cool, yours will always be cooler. She taught you how to be independent and not rely on her to fight all of your battles for you, unless you are the mama's boy. Then you may only learn that you can shoot snot out of your nose while crying.

The Anal retentive guy

At first he seems perfectly harmless. Okay, so he refuses to go on with his life if a CD or DVD of his is in the wrong place, but that seems sort of cute at first. Then the dating actually starts.

You start realizing that he won't open a door unless he has a tissue protecting his hand or won't even use public condiment containers unless they are rubbed down with wipes. Even after that he still seems harmless.

Then you start noticing he always uses Purell after holding hands. He also seems to like to debate the fact that he can actually taste the difference between different colored M&M's.

Should you really be with a man who doesn't eat certain colored candies because some of them seem "unnatural"?

I wouldn't say you will learn any good traits from him. But don't be surprised if you find yourself frantically putting your DVD collection back together if it is out of order.

The thug wannabe

This guy is possibly my favorite out of the bunch. I did not personally date any of this type, but they certainly have hit on my so I have experienced some sort of mating ritual with them.

The thug wannabe is someone who things they are so gangsta' and belong in the ghetto even though they were born and raised in a little suburban town.

His mating dance is one that should be documented by the Discovery Channel (Enter a British voiceover guy). The faux-thug sees his prey sitting at the bar sipping on her drink. He saunters up to her, faking an injury to his hip, he limps closer to the bar. The faux-thug believes that the limp enhances his sexual appeal.

As the faux-thug slides up to the female at the bar, he slings his arm around her shoulder and recites his mating call, "Hey shawty. What is your fine ass doing sitting here all by yourself?"

The female, visibly disgusted and disinterested, responds violently, "Who the hell do you think you are, putting your hands all over me like that? Why don't you pull up your pants, wear your hat the right way, and learn some class. Come back to me in a year either when you learn to talk to a lady, or after you live in a real ghetto and get beat down by a real gangsta' to learn some humility."

The faux-thug, embarrassed by the failed attempt to mate, retreats to the safety of his Camaro.

I know a real lady wouldn't speak like that to anyone no matter how much they were tempted, but a normal female who is provoked normally can't control the kind of things that come out of her mouth. Especially when he can be taken down a notch and actually been given a reason to limp.

What should be learned from this type is something you will live with for the rest of your life. Years ago, it would be the polite thing to say "no thanks." This normally doesn't work.

You can let your voice be heard better while just saying no (or in my case, add a few explicatives). It will also make an interesting story to tell your friends.