Three Parenting Lessons from Jon and Kate's Divorce

In the final episode of Jon and Kate Plus Eight, the viewers got to see first hand the devastating effects of a dysfunctional divorce--two parents unable to control or support their children adequately during their individual times together. For years families watched Jon and Kate to see how a real family handled the challenges presented to them. Now that Jon and Kate will no longer be on television, parents can learn how to better handle the challenges presented by divorce.

1. It's not enough to speak neutrally about the other parent to the children. You must keep your animosity private, period. Repeatedly on the last episode of Jon and Kate Plus Eight, Kate said she never spoke ill of her soon to be ex to her children. However, she had no qualms about publicly making derogatory comments and jokes about her husband on this television show or in other public venues. This is similar to if you speak badly of your soon to be ex to gossipy friends--it will get back to your children. To make this situation worse, Kate's comments are now on tape forever and when the children eventually view this footage, these comments will only further harm them. If you do need to vent, pick someone you know who will keep your confidence, such as a counselor, religious leader, or someone who you know you can trust not to gossip about your difficult situation.

2. Don't punish your children if they express anger about your divorce. In the final episode the older twins Mady and Cara both express anger in different ways--by being demanding, irritable and "bratty." Mady even says that she liked the activities of her Mother better. Jon punished the girls for being ungrateful and didn't support or acknowledge the validity of the girls' feelings. As a parent going through divorce, you are probably angry, so why shouldn't your kids be too? Children often express anger through "bad behavior" and don't know how to constructively express their feelings. Punishing children for the behavior without addressing the underlying feelings only serves to alienate your children further. It will also not eliminate the problem behavior. This isn't to say you need to not discipline your children, but that you might say instead, "I know you are angry about all the changes in our family. I am too. But that doesn't mean you can behave in this way. If you continue, you will need a time out." You can also encourage your children to express their feelings through writing or drawing, letting them know they have a safe time and place to share their negative feelings without repercussions.

3. Don't pretend that girlfriends or boyfriends of an ex don't exist. In the final episode, Kate said she refused to acknowledge or tell the children that Jon had girlfriends. When Jon finally introduces these women to his children, if he hasn't already, by Kate refusing to discuss this to her children she is only causing confusion and turmoil for her children. From Kate's point of view, she does not want to approve of Jon's behavior and calls it "warped." Children pick up on parent's judgments of the other parent's behaviors. If Jon does want to introduce a girlfriend to his children, the kids will already be primed to dislike the woman and perhaps misbehave as a result. In effect, Kate's own anger about Jon's decision to move on, whether or not she approves of who he moves on with, poisons the well. She isn't doing herself any favors either when she eventually decides to date herself--the children will remember her initial animosity about her dad's dating and end up feeling hostility about this situation as well. Children don't understand the intricacies of relationships or why one person dating is unacceptable while other romantic interactions are okay. And, young children don't understand the differences between romantic interactions and friendships. By ignoring a special friend of your ex, you end up calling more attention to that relationship than you might otherwise.do. Also, these children might have questions or feelings about this special friend or about their dad dating--to ignore your ex dating will only prevent your children turning to you about something going on in their own life.

Even though Jon and Kate Plus 8 is no longer on television, Jon and Kate's divorce will continue to play out publicly through other shows and tabloids. Use their experience as a way to make better decisions when comes to parenting during your own divorce or break-up.