Three Phases Each Couple Should Go Through Before Actually Getting a Divorce

For a lot of people getting divorced seems to be the answer to their problems. Divorce can seem like a quick way to get rid of problems that couples have in their marriage. But is this quick fix really the answer? Only you and your spouse can answer rather divorce or not is the way to go. But before you rush off and file those divorce papers there are phases that one should go through before they get a divorce. Sadly many couples don't really ever try to go through these phases first.

Phase one: The discussion phase

This phase has two parts. Let's look at the first part of this phase. During this first part of phase one, you and your spouse need to sit down and discuss why a divorce is being considered. During this phase do not hold anything back. I mean you two are looking to get a divorce so what does it matter if you lay it all on the line. Heck scream and yell at each other if you want. Throw a few insults in there while you are at it. As long as the attacks stay verbal and do not go to physical violence then go for it.

Some would say that screaming at each other and laying blame on each other is not productive and that the use of insults is really non productive. But let me tell you from experience, this actually can be productive. So many people have so much resentment, anger and hurt built up during a marriage that they don't know where to turn and then blow up and want a divorce. Well before you go for a divorce get it all out in the open. Sometimes problems can be worked through when they are faced head-on.

The second phase of the discussion phase will take place later. When the two of you have calmed down from the first part of this phase, you can sit down to the second phase. During this phase you two should be talking to each other. No screaming or insults should happen during this phase. If you have to then take a time out and then resume after your temper has cooled down. This is where you should be discussing why your marriage is not working, what each of you wants from a marriage and whether or not you think the marriage can be saved. At this point both of you are probably feeling the marriage can not be saved. It is ok for the two of you to still feel that the marriage can not be saved.

Phase two: The separation phase

During this phase the two of you are going to separate. This phase may or may not be permanent so do not go selling the family home. So both of you still need to make sure the bills are paid as they normally would. One of you is going to have to find some where else to sleep so if finances permit then one of you needs to find a small apartment to rent. Remember this may not be permanent so go as cheaply as possible. During this phase the two of you are to act single. So other than making sure in the beginning that the family homes bills are paid , the two of you need to understand that you are both single.

Now there is a hitch to this phase. You must go on dates with each other. Try to pretend that your spouse is someone that you have just met. So you know nothing about this person and it is your job (just like with dating anyone) to get to know this person. The only thing you know about your spouse is what they tell you. This is a great way to really get to know your spouse and can help determine if you two will fall back in love again or if you two need to get a divorce. This phase should last at least two months.

Phase three: Counseling or Divorce phase

During this phase the two of you should know by now if you want to get a divorce or make the marriage work. If you two are going to try and make the marriage work then sign yourselves up for counseling. Counseling can help to work past what ever is still lying between you two. Counselors can also help you to see what else can be done to save your marriage.

If divorcing is the answer the two of you have still come up with then you need to try and make it as painless for each other as possible. Work through who gets what and who will be living where. If children are involved then do your best to keep them from being put in the middle of this. This is a grown up problem that they need to be kept out of. Don't lie to your children though. Be honest with them about what is happening and what this will mean for them and their time with each parent. Just do not place blame on either parent though when dealing with the children.