Three Psychological Techniques for Staying Calm During a Temper Tantrum

The last time your toddler began to throw a caterwauling tempter-tantrum, you probably weren't thinking of the Psychology 101 book you studied in college. Indeed, if you were remembering any words at all, it was probably an article from Parenting or Child Magazine. These magazines provide great advice for what to do with your toddler when he or she starts to throw a tantrum, but as the child screams and shouts and accidentally hits you in the face, your own temper begins to rise and you are pressed with another immediate question: what should you do with yourself? Suddenly, Psych 101 becomes relevant again. There are three major schools of psychological thought that your textbook probably covered, and each one of them contains an invaluable tip that will help you survive your toddler's tantrums without having your own temper flare.

1. Start with a little Behavioral psychology. One of Behavioral psychology's tenets is that our emotions are strongly rooted in our bodies, and that we can affect our emotions by changing our bodies. To put this theory into practice, the next time your child starts to holler, force yourself to smile. I'm not talking about a small, stiff smile; I'm talking about a huge, cheese-eating grin. It doesn't matter if you feel fake or you think you look like a fool, because it will help you feel better. Smiling will immediately lower your blood pressure and release endorphins that help relieve both stress and pain (which may be handy if your child's flailing arms have whacked you in the nose again). A grin will make the situation less tense, and make you more able to do step 2.

2. Check your cognitions. Cognitive psychology argues that our thoughts affect our emotions, even when we're not aware of what we're thinking. During temper tantrums, parents sometimes find that without realizing it, they're having negative, unrealistic thoughts about their children or their own parenting abilities. These thoughts make parents feel even more tense, angry, and frustrated. Next time you feel your blood pressure begin to rise in response to your child's temper tantrum, stop and "listen" to the thoughts in your head. If you find that you are having negative or unreasonable thoughts like, "This child is never going to learn not to hit," or "This is so embarrassing. Everyone around us must think that I'm a total failure as a parent," stop and reframe. Focus on what you are achieving through the discipline you're enforcing, and on what the benefits will eventually be. You might counteract the above thoughts with, "I'm teaching my child that he can't have everything he wants immediately, and even though it's hard right now, he'll be happier as an adult because he's learning this while he's young."

3. Finally, use a little Social psychology to understand why your child is throwing this tantrum. Toddlers are little tiny social scientists, testing everything and everyone to see what will happen if they take certain actions. When your child throws a temper tantrum, he or she is quite literally conducting a social experiment to find out what will happen if he or she yells, kicks, and screams. Viewing these tantrums as an experiment will not only help you to remain calm, it will remind you to provide them with the "data" that you want them to learn: that throwing a fit will not accomplish a positive change in their environment. Your toddler's tantrum will likely pass very quickly, leaving him or her smiling and laughing again with half an hour. Your mood, however, is not so resilient. If you become angry, and particularly if you yell at or frighten your child, the residual guilt and anger can quickly ruin the rest of the day. It's imperative that you remain calm no matter how much your child screams. While you discipline your child, use these three techniques to discipline yourself as well. And when the tantrum is over and you're once again playing and cuddling with your child, think kind thoughts about your Psych 101 professor.