Three Reasons I'm Sad Chuck Norris is a Republican

I like to think of Chuck Norris as a defender of the little people. I have fond memories of Chuck Norris as that guy in Sidekicks who helps asthmatic Jonathan Brandis defeat the high school bully's dojo and get the pretty girl. I would like to think of Chuck Norris as a guy who, if I knew him, would be playing for my team.

As it turns out, Chuck Norris is a Republican. (Yes, I've just learned this. I've apparently been living under a rock, too.) Don't misunderstand me. I have the utmost respect for a man who stands up and campaigns for what he believes in. Chuck Norris makes no secret of his NRA membership, his support of former Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee, and his fundraising activities for Bush.

But I think I've been watching too many movies and not spending enough time in the real world. It's time for me to face facts-Chuck and I are roundhouse kicking for different dojos, at least as far as politics are concerned. I'm not angry at Chuck Norris. I'm sad in that way you get when a relationship isn't working out but it isn't anybody's fault and you want to try really hard to stay together anyway. It's time for Chuck and I to go our separate ways, it seems.

Here are the top three reasons why I'm sad Chuck Norris is a Republican:

The Chuck Norris jokes aren't as funny.

The Internet is crawling with Chuck Norris jokes about his superhuman strength and general awesomeness. But knowing that Chuck Norris is a Republican takes the fun out of laughing at his power. After all, the Republicans already have Halliburton and Patriot Act. Do they really need Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks, too?

Sidekicks doesn't seem like the same movie anymore.

Yeah, I'm a big dork. I'm going to talk even more about what some people consider the lamest movie ever made. But I can relate to being the wheezy, social isolated kid who longs for a machine gun in math class. I still even daydream myself into action sequences, although my taste runs more toward post-apocalyptic zombie fighting these days.

Now that I know Chuck Norris is Republican, I think about all those kids going to Jonathan Brandis' high school. They had small classes and a great gymnasium. I think about that nice subdivision where he lived, with the big houses and perfectly mowed lawns. And I think about the underlying assumption the movie makes that Jonathan Brandis has access to good health care for his asthma, and his parents have money to shell out for his private kung fu lessons.

In "reality," Jonathan Brandis didn't have it so bad at all. Now I'm thinking that if the movie had flashed forward twenty years, there's a good chance Jonathan Brandis would be living a nice, upper-middle class, Republican life.

So much for Chuck Norris jumping in at the last minute to rescue the underdog.

Who was Walker, Texas Ranger really?

I trust that law enforcement has my best interests at heart, even if I wouldn't always define my interests in the same way as the law. However, there's a real political slant to how the law is enforced, and the personal perspective of every police officer comes into play when deciding who to check out and who to arrest.

Because of his commitment to Republicanism, I wonder if there was an underlying moral message to the "bad guys" Ranger Walker hauled in as criminals. Republican presidents brought us the Patriot Act and the War on Drugs. Historically, Republicans are thought to favor harsher punishments for illegal immigrants and generally support capital punishment.

I'm not saying Walker, Texas Ranger was a bad guy or a bad show (although it was kind of stupid). The show revolved around Chuck Norris so much that when he wanted to leave to make movies, the show was discontinued despite Norris' protests. When he devoted himself to Christianity, the show dropped the Native American mysticism and picked up Christian themes. I'm guessing there may have been some political influence in the screenwriting, as well.