Three Rules for Dating Rock Stars

Everyone wants to date a rock star, but few know how. If you have a decent rack, tart up well, and don't mind pounding the Sunset Strip pavement at 2 a.m. on a weeknight, you, too, can have your very own rock star of the high-holy-Hollywood variety. Read up and start trolling around the Rainbow; the future of rock music rests on your supplying a three-week stint of Jägermeister-fueled blowjobs and receding gracefully into the blur of groupies past.

RULE # 1: Do not rock the Rock Star.

Rock stars are like orchids or Pomeranians. They are incredibly sensitive and wilt at the scent of impending drama. They must be fed regularly and handled with great delicacy and care. Easy to catch and impossible to keep, the rock star is a gossamer butterfly spun of super-slinky strings and Les Paul dreams. Tread lightly

RULE # 2: Do not count on the Rock Star.

The rock star said he will call you tomorrow. He won't. Not probably; he just won't. If he does this time, he won't next time. He says he'll see you later this week; in reality, he'll suddenly become overwhelmed with recording projects, band meetings, and finding a new way to voice the phrase "Oh, baby, baby." He'll definitely forget to notify you.

Whether your rock star is touring, recording, or gigging locally, he's busy and easily distracted by busty idiots. You're lucky he remembers your name. Be pleasantly surprised when he decides to keep in touch, but safely assume that you are an extended one-night stand.

RULE # 3: Do not cross the Rock Star.

Cool and judgmental in the most withering ways, the rock star will have definite and inviolable opinions about music. These are law and not to be contradicted. Doing so will cause the rock star to call into question the very foundations of your personality and morality. As you value your standing with the rock star, so value the music he prescribes. Otherwise, I'm sure one of the aforementioned busty idiots will have the spineless adoration necessary to launch into a breathless litany about ZZ Top or whatever testosterone-infused suck-fest he happens to favor.

APPENDIX # 1: NON-INCLUSIVE LIST OF SAFE BETS FOR NAME-DROPPING ON FIRST DATES

Since most rocks stars can't sustain lucid conversation on anything but rock music for more than a couple minutes, you'll need these notes to amp up your small talk and save you from deal-killing faux pas.

Guitarists:

Jimi Hendrix: An obvious and safe choice, but you can distinguish yourself from the competition by acknowledging the perfection of the solos but emphasizing the genius of the rhythm guitar work.

Jimmy Page: Speak knowledgably and perfect your vocal "noodling." If you don't know what "noodling" is, don't try to date a guitarist.

Steve Vai: Mention with care and only after some research.

Dimebag Darrell: Depending on the rock star, it may be totally appropriate to tear up a bit here.

Eddie Van Halen: Quote Nerfherder's "Van Halen Song", "Two-hand tapping guitar technique really got me off."

Drummers:

Neil Peart: Is it too much, or is it awesome? You ask; the drummer will decide. His answer will be "both".

John Bonham: He was really loud. Apparently, this carries a lot of weight with drummers. Also, mention his hand-drumming.

Terry Bozzio: Focus on current work with some reference to his past with Zappa. Talk about his kit's unique architecture.

Vocalists:

You could try to talk about Robert Plant, Freddie Mercury, Serj Tankian, Maynard Keenan, etc.; but the real way to get to the vocalist's heart is to speak only of him. He knows he's god's gift to rock n' roll and makes every other vocalist from the dawn of time to 5,000 years into the future fade into the historical silence of mediocrity. What harm can you possibly do by slapping another coat of varnish onto the towering monolith of his ego? Go for it, girl! He's a golden god!

Bassists:

He is an idiot and only wants to fuck you. Intelligent conversation not only unnecessary but pointless and a waste of calories.

Any and All Rock Stars:

Led Zeppelin: DO NOT MENTION STAIRWAY. Talk about the 2-disc DVD and the BBC Sessions.

Guns N Roses: Slash: probably God. Axl: probably Satan.

Black Sabbath: You have always loved Ozzy, you just wish he'd cut out the TV crap.

Rolling Stones: Discuss their early ripping-off of Delta blues; contrast with Zep's use of same.

KISS: Love the rock star, love the KISS.

General Notes:

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES mention Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, U2, Weezer, any pop artists, emo bands, punk bands, or Elton John. The rock star probably thinks they suck. However, trashing Billy Corgan while lauding James Iha is acceptable to most guitarists.

Also, steer clear of women musicians with the possible exceptions of Grace Slick, Joan Jett, and Courtney Love. The rock star is a raging misogynist. "Pretty good for a girl" is high praise coming from him.

For more advanced rock-star daters, broach the topics of Dream Theater (genius, too technical, or both?), the Raconteurs (can he hear the Nashville influence?), the Clash (who needs reggae when you have these guys?), Radiohead, and the Pixies.

Know the trivia. Know the gear. Prefer any specific live version to the studio version.

Remember, all currently played rock music sucks-except for his band.