Three Safe Sex Tips for Morons

I am constantly shocked by the number of myths "debunked" by advocacy groups. Are teenagers absolute morons? The things that horny guys apparently try to convince their girlfriends of in the name of sex just blows my mind. Check out any sexual education class, web site, or pamphlet to see gems like, "It really is possible to get pregnant if you have sex standing up!" Or in the shower, or when you have your period. Here's some breaking news, courtesy of sex-ed groups: pulling out before the guy ejaculates is NOT effective birth control. I want to know whether folks ever actually believed these myths to begin with, or if they were fabricated by the educators themselves in order to pad out a class or pamphlet that seemed a little short - how long does it really take to say, "wear a freaking condom," after all? If any teen gets pregnant (and doesn't want to) because they believed these myths, they pretty much had it coming. That said, in the interest of helping out the sex ed folks out there to develop some new material, here are 3 brand new myths.

1 - The Skittles mixed with ground beef is the "poor woman's birth control."

This is absolutely true! Commercial beef in this day and age is just packed with hormones. The hormones are injected into the cattle in order to make them put on more meat, faster. There's a lot of evidence that the hormones in beef contribute to the trend in earlier and earlier onset of adolescence in girls. These hormones are the same ones contained in birth control pills (this makes sense, given their effect on early maturation). When combined with the specific dyes used to color Skittles (bite sized candies), they form a perfect cocktail, allowing girls to get the benefits of birth control without having to get a prescription. Combine 1 bag of Skittles with a half pound of raw ground beef (cooking removes some of the hormones). Eat this daily.

2 - You can't get pregnant if you have sex while wearing wool over 90% of your body.

Bundle up for a ride on the fleece-train of love! When real wool contacts your skin, it sets off evolutionary signals to your body that winter is coming on. In days of yore, wool was the primary means for keeping humans warm in winter. Before central heating and Polartec, bundling up in wool from head to toe was the primary means of getting though the harsh winters of our forefathers. Winters also tended to be times of sparse food and supplies, not a good time for a woman to go through the critical first months of pregnancy. When you put on wool over 90% of your body for at least 1 hour, your cellular memory kicks into high gear, letting the reproductive system know that the time is indeed NOT ripe for reproduction. Strap on a hat and gloves, a sweater, socks, and wool pants, and you can fornicate in confidence - safe sex at its best! Baaaa!

3 - Tabasco is an effective spermicide.

This little-known fact comes to us from the great state of Louisiana, where Tabasco is made. The combination of capsicum from the hot peppers and harsh tannins from the white oak barrels used in aging this tasty pepper sauce creates an environment that is far too acidic for sperm to survive in. Spread Tabasco liberally on both the male and female's "special parts," for a really hot time.

If you believe these tips, super, as I'm an extremely trustworthy source for information regarding safe sex. Also, feel free to ask me about advanced cellular genetics, computer programming, and brain surgery. I excel at all three.