Three Steps to Restoring Relationships

One day I opened my email to discover an old friend had posted an email I thought, from the subject line, was a belated Christmas greeting. I was excited to finally receive a communication from my friend who'd moved away many years previous.

Once she reviewed all the positive things going on in her life--and there were many including relationships--she launched into a mantra of hurt and pain and anger.

I hadn't been in communication with her for a couple of years, and had no idea why she hadn't answered my attempts at communication.-email and snail. I learned quickly enough where our relationship was on her scale of relationships when she aimed both barrels of hurt and anger over an observation I'd made about a mutual friend when she'd asked for advice regarding her relationship with that friend.

Though my observation dealt with the subject we were discussing and my communication not out of line, my friend began to dwell on it. The more she thought about it, the angrier she became--and not just at me--as she began to second guess other things, relationships, communication and decisions she and others made in the past. That made her angry at me as well.

After two years the anger spilled out. Anger held for so long wasn't satisfied with an apology, not when it had become entangled with deeper personal relationship and communication issues. Years ago, a simple phone call and an apology might well have smoothed the whole thing over. That was before she moved away. Before she began to hold things inside, letting anger build, instead of dealing with the relationships affected and with open communication.

Relationships are both fragile and strong. Relationships become fragile when the parties involved refuse to use communication that is sensitive, honest, and open and refuse to tender an apology when hurt is involved. Holding grudges, dwelling on things without trying to work them out, anger and lack of honest communication will shatter a relationship. Worse, it ends up causing unnecessary pain and anger for the one ruminating on some remark or action often not meant to hurt, often taken out of context.

The steps to stronger relationships are simple to remember, but not always easy to carry out. This is true of families, friends and spouses. Open and honest communication is the first step. The Bible says don't let the sun go down on your anger for a reason. The longer you stew over something, the harder it is to deal with and the more baggage anger and hurt attaches to it.

The second step is caring. Do you care enough to work things out? Do you care enough about yourself and the other person to confront, and to keep short accounts with each other? Care enough to give an apology when hurt is caused, even when you may not think what you said or did was necessarily wrong in and of itself?

Many friendships, even marriages, break up, not because of something big, but due to slow leaks--lack of communication, not caring enough to make time to work at the relationship, not being willing to give that apology, and letting misunderstandings build up.

Working at the relationship is the third step. It is the step of commitment. Those committed to keeping relationships strong, will also care enough to communicate on a regular basis and not let hurt and anger build up.

My relationship with my friend may not ever be quite as it was. Maybe if I'd kept the lines of communication open, taken the time to call to find out why she never answered my email instead of assuming she was just busy, things might not have gotten so bad.

Have your own fences to mend? What better time than now?