Three Types of Parents - Which Are You?

There are ways to effectively coach your children in life. This includes coaching them at home, school and of last importance, in sports. Words of encouragement go a long ways toward making them more effective in these areas of life. There are primarily three types of parents: The Drill Sergeant, the Search and Rescuer, and the Consultant. Which are you?

The Drill Sergeant

This type of parent is always in the face of the child and is constantly pushing and pressuring them to do better at home and in school. Even in sports, they can be yelling at their children to their extreme embarrassment. Saying, or perhaps, yelling at them to "clean up your room" or "get your homework done or no supper for you!" They may get these things done, but it is often associated with provoking them to anger or they do it out of fear. In this way, there is no internal locus of control built, just a "my way or the highway" mentality.What they learn is if they want other people to do things for them, the way to get things done is through shouting or intimidating others. This pattern for getting things accomplished will likely be repeated in their own children's lives someday. A vicious cycle is established and one that will not easily be broken, but can be repeated, generation after generation.

The Search and Rescuer

This type of parent constantly hovers over a child, waiting for a mistake; not to yell at them, but to drop in and rescue them. This type of parent wants to rescue them from something that the parent deems the child is not able to do themselves. This builds an externally-dependent child. One who, when they experience difficulty, will often give up in frustration because they realize that they can not do it, explained by the parent always coming to the rescue.

An important lesson is never learned by the child. That is that through trial and error, they can actually discover how to solve problems on their own. What happens when the day comes, and it will come, when the child leaves home and has to do for themselves? This type of child tends to be fearful of challenges and change and may actually be thwarted by life's ups and downs. If they learn anything, it is that they can not learn anything. They learn to call on the parents or others for things that, given the chance, could actually learn to do for themselves. Therefore, their life is always limited by what they deem is impossible because they have been rescued before they are able to accomplish difficult tasks.

The Consultant

This parent is neither a drill sergeant or a search and rescuer. They let the child try to establish for themselves how they can solve problems. They allow the child to try and fail only to try again, eventually to succeed. When things get frustrating for a child, the parent does not try to do it for them or they don't try to yell or scream them into submission. The parent acts as a consultant.

The consultant parent might approach a child who is going through a difficult assignment like this: "Boy, I see that you are really having difficulties. I remember when I was your age, I had problems with math too. I just had to go to the back of the textbook and look at several example problems to see who they solved these equations. I just don't know what you're going to do, but that's what I did. Let me know if I can help you in anyway."

There seems to be a correlation between letting children solve their own problems and when they ask for help, being there for them. And cheering them on when they have success while being sympathetic and consulting when they have no success. Positive reinforcement and allowing a child to fail is a productive way for teaching children to learn how to solve problems for themselves and to ask for help when they can not. And then you can be cheering them on like crazy when that success does happen. It takes ten positive comments to make up for one negative one. And being sympathetic and consulting is always more productive in the long term, than yelling or doing it for them.

The consultant parent doesn't mean no discipline or structure or no consequences. You still expect them to apply themselves, but the approach is one of aiding and consulting, not badgering or demanding. Neither is it doing it for them just to get the monkey off your back. Of course, when the child chooses not to do specific tasks that they are asked to do, there must be consequences for their actions. There have to be consequences for their choices, even if their choice is to choose not to do something. A consultant parent isn't about "no homework or no chores, no problem", but about helping them if they do need it, helping them when they ask for it; not when they don't ask for it or doing it for them just to solve the problem and get it over with. Nonetheless, a consultant parent must ensure that thechild still accomplish what they are required to do.

The Parent's Choice

There have been times when I have been all three. Everyone is human, including myself (I know all too well), so don't be discouraged if you revert to any one of the first two types of parenting styles. The key is to think about the long term consequences and what affect your style will have in the future. I've blown it many times.

Which type of parent you are or wish to become is a choice. Just like letting children make choices, parents have choices too. The power to choose to be an effective parent or the power to choose to be defective parent. A power-full parent or an empowering parent. Will you pass on a power to choose or pass on their choice to have power? Whichever you choose, the cycle can either be established or broken. For your child (and for your grandchildren), the repercussions can be for a lifetime. Which type of parent you are, for the most part, will determine what type of parent your child will be.a

* An excerpt from Chapter Five of "Teaching Children The Gospel ,How To Raise Godly Children" available at:

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